"once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit." e.e. Cummings
I have been missing writing. The feeling is something like putting a thing in a good spot and then forgetting where that is, then figuring if it's in such a good spot it ought to turn up sometime. It appears I am describing laziness. I have wanted to write but the drive hasn't been overpowering enough.
I keep thinking I ought to be keeping a journal of my pregnancy, noting all the physical and emotional feelings and all the little conversations Jim and I have. I just haven't. but I should. I have also wanted to take pictures of my belly as it grows- so far I have one at 14 weeks. Well, that's not true, I have one taken after I took the pregnancy test in France, and then any picture of me from the summer could be considered 8 weeks-ish...
I overwhelm myself with all of my self-made expectations. It makes me brittle when I have to take direction from anyone else and it permits me to idolize people. It also makes me inactive, stymied.
But that's blessed unrest in a way isn't it, the grit in the pearl. You deal with being uncomfortable just long enough to get to the OH ALRIGHT! stage and then you do something worthy. I am writing now, OK?? And I like it, feels good.
Tonight, right after I make cream of tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches from scratch (America's Test Kitchen, of course) I will clean off my work table, turn on my music and get busy making art. Damnit. Afterwards, I write about it.

It was such a surprise blessing to remember our blog today, especially just after the Awakening The Dreamer symposium that was here in town this weekend. Your last post was a welcomed reminder of what it feels like to live the same life but in an awakened state. Since my first visit to the doctor, when it was proven for sure that I was pregnant (I don't know, I still had this idea that maybe I was making it up) I have been in my own world, like this dream that prevents me from finding anything else interesting. It is such an exciting thing, but also so immense and I think I am working at fathoming exactly what's happening. When school started, and even now, I felt like I was just winging it. I had nowhere near the overwhelming drive to be the greatest teacher ever, like I had last year. At first this really upset me, as recently as this morning actually. I felt like I was failing, I was being irresponsible and flaking out of my responsibility to work- to a place at which I've worked really hard to arrive, but if I think back to the habitual ball of nerves I was last year I think I'm grateful for a shift in priorities that has shifted my perspective a bit. And for the record, I don't think any of my peers would call me a deadbeat teacher at school. I am completely at the whim of my physicality in being pregnant, that's one of the first things I figured out. I am wakened at all hours of the night to pee, I am wakened in the wee hours of the morning feeling starved, I am ravenous one minute then stuffed to the gills the next and then ravenous half and hour later, I am incredibly gassy. I have passed the phase of being sensitive to smells, but let me tell you: a Roman subway in the summer is not the place to be when you're in this state. This feeling of being so firmly planted in what my body wants has ended up being another enlightening- I can only do what I can do, which is all I've ever been capable of but maybe didn't really understand before now. I can't be a perfect art teacher. I can do the best I can do, and maybe that's all that has ever been expected of me. Well of course it is! It's even cliche! What a gift it has turned out to be to realize my limitations. That sounds so wrong. Maybe it makes more sense to say I am learning that my desire for perfection was more limiting than what I can actually attain.
The photos included here were taken Friday, at 14 weeks. The first is a close up in profile of the bean's head and tummy, the second one is yoga in utero- a bit of a downward facing dog pose with rump in the the air and legs tucked under, the third is another profile of the whole bean.

sunday hangover

i drank too much cheap beer last night at a rock and roll show, and was so sad to be saying goodbye to my good friend emily who is heading off to law school.

i also have been helping lindsey get emotionally ready for her wedding. i think she's a pretty zen bride--she actually scheduled some meditation time with me right before her ceremony--but she's having her moments. we spent the day yesterday eating caloric food (she's trying to put on a few to fill out her dress--the opposite problems for most brides but equally frustrating i see) and outlet shopping with constant conversation about meditation and awareness and the choice to live in or outside "the matrix." she's such an old friend and i was so happy to have a full day to spend with her (she's currently living in hawaii and was going through culture shock that was oh so familiar to me).

and you're big news! i'm still so excited and curious about how you must be feeling (please do give details/emotions/etc!).

it seems that everyone is in the midst of big transitions right now. i feel like my photography studio is a big change, but that's still a ways a way. right now i am enjoying the idea that i could be the stable one for once. i feel settled, not exceedingly, but solidly.

i think meditation is helping me so much these days to keep my head about me--awareness heals everything or rather shows me that nothing needs to be healed. i'm so grateful for my practice, and will even sit for a while through the ughiness of my hangover.

ps beautiful pictures from europe! i love your detail shots and the portraits of your mom. you should really do a show!

the same place as me.

i think work has stolen me away more than i would like to admit. and rod, a bit, but i'm still not sure on that one....that could be it's own post tomorrow but right now i am tired and i want to concentrate on gratitude.

1. i am grateful for relaxation and how transformative it can be--playing with the girls by the pool at diana's house.

2. i am grateful for see all the latinos at the market.

3. i am grateful for amazing food and getting excited to dress up for my date.

4. i am grateful for my yellow summer dress.

5. i am grateful for the way moods can change.

i love you harper!

Where have I been?

I have been away too long! I think it's the free time, goes to my head.
I'll get back into the swing of this with a simple list of gratitudes:
My new dress that I made, myself! (with a litte help from my Mom)
My awesome new sandals that will surely help me not to look too American when in Europe
The hot pink bows they put on Allie's ears after her shearing today
free time!
friendship and grace and imperfection

belated post.

i wish i had time to write more, but a few thoughts will do:

1. everything that is happening is because it needs to happen. i'm welcoming my life with open arms.

2. attitude is everything. i am consciously observing my bad, whiny attitude at work and laughing at it.

3. summertime isn't as much fun when you aren't getting let out of school.

4. my date with rod was weird last night at the end because he got really distant and pulled away. this made me feel panicky and i don't like how it changes my attitude to know that that duck isn't in a row. geez, this love stuff, i'll tell you.

5. this will all pass pass.

Happy Father's Day

Last night I went to a wedding. After the ceremony we were filing out of the hall and ended up standing behind a man that smelled terribly. He had a boot on his foot that you'd wear as you're healing from a break with a polo shirt and khakis. I found a way to pull Jim out of line and let this man walk ahead of us. When we got to the elevator here was the man again. I got to look at him while we waited. I tried to figure out where the smell came from, how a person could get comfortable in a smell like that. And then I realized how similar in build he was to my Dad- probably the same height, same size, similar hair, same borderline casual dress. All of a sudden I realized that I am my dad's family. Some day I may be the smell censor for my dad- time to take a shower, dad. Some day I may be my father's keeper. Freaked me right out. Note: I'm pretty sure that this guy at the wedding was an alcoholic and had some other afflictions working against him, unlike my Dad. It was no less haunting.
Tonight, after dinner, my Dad was watching the Braves game in my living room and asked me if I had any experience cutting hair. I said no and asked him why he didn't go to the barber. He said that he only needs a trim on the bottom, that his hair doesn't grow as fast on top anymore. This was the reason he gave for not going to the barber- because all of his hair on his head didn't need cutting. Oh yes it does. So I cut it, though I had no idea what I was doing. Well, OK, I did try to imitate some of the things I'd seen my hairdresser do. It turned out pretty good. While I was cutting his hair, and my Dad was watching the Braves game, he kept teasing me about how long it was taking me. The guy is too much some times. I'm giving you a free haircut! His hair had gotten really scraggly in the back. How had he let it grow this long? He said that he had a home haircutter (what does that even mean?) but that it was hard to get the back. Is this how it starts or has my dad just always been this "eccentric", everything's normal. I think it's actually just a natural progression, this is my Dad getting older.
I sent him home with the rest of the french potato salad (in America's Test Kitchen, very good) that he loves and also the rest of the half-pint Diet Cokes we'd gotten just for him. That's my Dad. He's not degenerating, he's still my Dad only older and maybe more concentrated.
Gratitudes to my Dad;
"the safest place you could be is in my pocket"
A taste for wry and ridiculous humor
my broad vocabulary
new pickles and lox
morning wake up songs in elementary school
Ethel Tuveson
adding his own lines to my favorite story books
Teaching me about anger and how to express it

haha, jealousy. it's a hard one. i wish more people would talk about feeling jealous, so we could take the shame out of it. i don't feel jealous around many people, but man, i have struggled with molly and how easy it is for her to make friends, have people like her immediately, find really great boys to be with....basically things that take me a little more time. in places where i am guarded, she is open. being around her makes me feel uptight, but then she is always late, always forgets to pay me back, leaves me hanging sometimes on important stuff. she's been traveling a lot which means i get comfortable not having her in my life and then she comes back for a few days and it's like, wham, all of the emotion comes flooding back. and her boyfriend and i, even though i do think we like each other, have a weird jealousy thing. i very much love molly and in our first two years of friendship i never could have envisioned feeling this way, but sometimes i think that the jealousy is the product of the love. these are feelings that are already inside us and it's only when we love and trust the other person that it's safe to really feel them. it's good to just talk about it and explore it, so hopefully molly and i can find balance again in our friendship...but i just think life is long and that it's okay to go through phases with our most important relationships.

i went to rod's house last night. thai food and looking at each other's artwork and then making out while eating cherries on his couch. i was worried about not feeling sexual chemistry with him, but it was difficult to pull ourselves away to say goodnight. when he drove me home he got out to give me a big hug before i walked in the door. i keep thinking to myself that he's such a catch and smiling at the phrase. i don't feel 100% connection with him but i really enjoy hanging out with him for a couple of nights a week and we'll see. definitely excited by the possibility of sex with somebody i trust, because it's been too long.

my first free saturday in a while. my ideas:

taking a walk on rock creek parkway
checking out the library
going to old town for a yoga class and antique shopping
going over to the portrait museum in chinatown
calling to see if ann wants to go find virginia/md thriftstores
cleaning my whole house (what i really should do)


congratulations on finishing the school year!!!

happy fun posts

I at least want to put a fun title on this post, I feel like everything I write lately is so gloomy or at least wistful. I really, really don't like the emotions I've been spending time with lately, I feel like a downer to those around me, but I'm just going to go through it and not fight it. I always bounce back.
I think I'm selfish and it makes me feel ashamed. I really hate the thoughts that distracted me from really being fully present in Buffalo. I feel so embarrassed at the thought that Priscilla might have noticed how envious I am of her new apartment in Chicago, how envious I am of all the time Kyle gets to spend with her when I only see her once in a while, how envious I was of her cute clothes and how I wished I had cute clothes too. I can't remember the last time we went shopping. It's all so fucking small of me and I hate it. I miss my friend that was just mine, but how selfish of me: OK, you're going to be my best friend and you only need to re-animate when I have time away from my life in Milwaukee with my husband. How long have I been moving forward and growing and expecting that? And my best friend has now lost her father but I'm thinking about how I can be there for her in a way that only I can?
When I graduated from college Priscilla and I flew to Europe and spent two non-stop weeks together. Then she went to CA to do AmeriCorps and I went back home to Chicago (well, Evanston...) We had talked alot about the men we'd eventually marry when we were in Europe, we actually made up stories of how we'd meet ( I said Priscilla would meet a professor-type, and now she's moving in with her pre-PhD boyfriend. I'm good) Jim and I (re)met while she was away in CA. She didn't even meet Jim until after he and I had moved in together, so she missed the shmoopy phase we undoubtedly had. She also missed the phase that I'm in now where I believe that I have some place in her life to lose and that I can still stake my claim, hold my ground. Did she even have time to feel jealous or did she figure what's the point? I just assumed that we'd still be the same best friends as always, but it was on my terms wasn't it? And Priscilla and Kyle's relationship will be on their terms, and I'll just have to be here in whatever shape being the best friend takes on from now on. I miss it being just us, I miss my best friend being just for me.

i'm just back from eastern market, having braved the heat and sunday buses to wander about looking antiques and dresses from india. i met a man who makes his own furniture who led me to a man from poland who led me to another man who lived near my grandparent's town in poland.

on the bus back from the market, we (liz and me) met miguel from chiapas. talking to him made me realize how i miss latinos in my life! yesterday, walking down the street in adams morgan drinking raspadillas, i got whistles from the pirated dvd booth on the street and it almost made me nostalgic for peru....even all the parts i hated at the time.

this week i watched oprah's interview with jill bolte taylor http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=jill+bolte+taylor&search_type=
a brain surgeon who had a stroke and was able to witness as her left brain shut down and the right side took over. she was able to understand that even as her language and numbers turned into mumbles and squiggles that her connection to the world became so apparent.

she says its just a matter of trying to see the world from the right brain perspective...that so many of our negative thoughts are just brain connections that we have said are valuable time and time again and that all we need to do to change that is tell our brain that other thoughts are valuable. we don't use our right brains because society has told us that they aren't valuable and in fact rewards all left brain (judgemental, critical) behavior patterns.

this just hit home for me to hear it in such scientific terms and i feel empowered by that---if i have to use my brain in some way, why can't i use it in the way that i want? it's my brain right?

my shopping cart from the farmers market today:

-turnips with a mess of greens that i'm throwing into a stirfry tonight
-thin asparagus stalks from a woman who just took over her parents family farm that she had always vowed to stay away from
-one yellow squash and one green zucchini
-a healthy head of green leaf lettuce

things are going well with rod--which is a change from what i was thinking before. we stayed out to 2 a.m. talking in dupont circle on friday night and he showed up and watched a dense, two-hour documentary about the darfur conflict because i invited him (this earned him some major points). i still don't 100% trust him, but i had a realization in my near heat stroke at the market today, that i don't have to trust him until i am ready. until he has given me good reason to trust him. his dedication to keep hanging out with me for three weeks without even one kiss says something, but i am a cautious girl when it comes to matters of the heart (unless i've had a few shots of tequila :).

i've been so into this idea of celebrating this weekend. my creative challenge to you is to find a way every day to celebrate some part of your life.

this heat is making me sleepy crazy lazy loose heady thirsty honest and i'm honestly digging it.

grateful for:

sitting on the grass and taking my shoes off at lunch.

making picante de papa and canchita for dinner (peruvian comfort food)

sitting in the lukewarm bath and reading anais nin after getting stuck in the rainstorm.

having awareness of my stress and misery during the rainstorm and then realizing i had the power to change that and then it transforming so rapidly.

i'm excited about obama! that's the number one thing i am grateful for tonight.

also, "sex in the city" and how it lifted my consciousness in a way i can't explain except to say that it feels like i've known those ladies for a while.

grateful for lara and how calming her presence is.

i'm very excited that this grant will be done tomorrow.

happy about my new dress/nightgown from ann taylor loft on sale!

watching observing my breath feeling myself as life

please help me hold my father and his wife in light and help us envision prosperity and positivity for them.

you should be in niagara by now. i've always wanted to go there in a funny honeymoon kind of way. give priscilla a hug from me.

it's been a while since i've had anything with marshmallows in it, which maybe could be saying a lot. i like casseroles with crunchy stuff on top, and i think homemade mac and cheese is the ultimate comfort food.

ah mondays, what would i do without you? i feel like i'm getting the hang of working yet i dont care about it as much as i think i should. does that make me motivated or a slacker or am i just in denial about feelings i really have?

my mind is on this loop of thoughts about saturday night, which range from savoring the exciting parts to cringing over the embarassing ones. i want to let it go because i really don't like this guy, but somehow i keep going back to being critical of myself. from my college indescretions, i know that it's always been this way, and it will pass in a week or so, but i'll probably always feel nervous around him.

i wish i had a little more insight into why i feel this way. there have been times that i wonder if i dont have some kind of repressed sexual experience from my past that makes me feel so nervous and vunerable and scared about casual sex (ive only enjoyed sex when i loved and trusted the person). or maybe no one should be having causal sex. yet i used to have a bad habit of doing this and the frustrating part is that i did it again.

i know it was just making out but its what it brings up for me. my shaman friend manu was doing a healing ceremony on me one and said that he could tell that i had some funky sexual energy lurking around. it felt good to give it a name, just like it feels good write about this.

its also a testament to the boring nature of thoughts, esp self-destructive ones. its the same shit over and over again and you can't even dance to it. you can laugh though. once i take a step back i laugh at the ridiculousness of it all.

you're sweet to go to niagra and i know that priscilla needs you there more than she can say.

take pictures, sweet lady.

Getting some

Speaking of instinct, sex is one of those primal needs we have maintained since before we were walking upright. An itch was scratched. True it's disappointing to wake up next to someone who turns out to be an idiot, but he served his purpose. I say, put this one on the tab of the women who initiated our sexual revolution, pat yourself on the back for the sexiness part and forgive yourself for the awkward part.
Love all of your needs.
( a part of me is jealous. I never ever would have had the moxy to make eyes or invite a guy back to my place)

instinct, or who we are before we stop to think about it

Priscilla called yesterday morning to tell me that her Dad had died. It was not a sudden event, her father had been making his way through terminal cancer for at little more than two years. Lately more systems were being stressed and he had begun a slow transition. She was able to go home to visit over Memorial Day, and had talked to him the night before he passed, making sure to tell him that she loved him. Robert Andrews waited for his wife to leave the room for a minute and then he went. I have heard of it happening this way before, either the person waits until somebody can arrive and say goodbye or they wait until the caregiver leaves to finally exhale. This must be instinct, we must be somehow wired to know how to die when the time comes- a deep and instinctual letting go.
She let me know what had happened on my voicemail. When I called her back, the first thing she said was, "was that wrong of me to leave that on your voicemail?" Who the hell cares? "yes, don't let it happen again" I'm lucky that we have the same sense of humor. Dealing with loss is also based in instinct I think. When a loved one is lost, everything else stops, time expands and changes directions, and you don't think you just do. I asked her if she'd like me to come to Niagara Falls and she said she didn't know how to answer- she felt awkward saying yes and awkward saying no. I called her right back and told her I was going to unburden her from another thing to think about and just book my ticket. I'm proud of my priorities. I could have talked myself out of going for many practical reasons, but I want to be a person who puts the people she loves before a job and logistics and practicalities.
I leave Tuesday for Niagara Falls and when I arrive I'll be in charge of the meal following the wake. My instincts tell me to include "salads" made with marshmallows and dished that end in casserole. Is it wrong of me to perpetuate the myth that salads could possibly include a marshmallow? Again, who the hell cares?

better.

after greasy brunch, laughing with emily, carino from molly, oprah, laundry, crying...i feel better.
whew.

yea for low cut shirts and june!

so hungover; our horoscope for the week

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Most astronomers are irrationally
prejudiced against us astrologers. They typically deride our ancient art
without ever having read any of the masters whose work articulates the
core principles of astrology. It's the equivalent of speaking about the
theory of relativity without ever having studied Einstein. Despite their
disdain, I don't hate them back. On the contrary, I celebrate their efforts
to understand the universe, and I make abundant use of the information
they've gleaned. Be like me in the coming week, Sagittarius. Appreciate
those who don't appreciate you, especially if they are doing good work
that can benefit you and others.

***

i partied way too hard last night, which is starting to become a reoccuring theme for my saturday and sunday mornings.

long story short: i danced, i drank tequila, i danced more, i made eyes with a cute boy, i drank more, he walked me home, i invited him up to my room, we made out--stopped short of sleeping together--and in the morning we made awkward conversation and then he left.

i don't feel good about it. he was an asshole which i didn't realize because we spent most of the evening dancing instead of talking. he made fun of the self-help books on my bookshelf and interest in meditation. i felt insecure about my body in a way that i haven't in a while. he made me feel like a depthless cliched old hag. being emotional and hungover doesn't help that.

i think i just wanted to get some, even though there wasn't a moment that he was in my bed that i actually felt turned out.

this was actually a pattern in college of drinking dancing making out feeling bad in the morning. i have so much sexiness in me the night of, but in the morning it's like the spell breaks and i can't figure out why i started the whole thing. i want to relax and be myself, but i can't.

why couldn't i have just left it at dancing? how does one thing lead to another?

it was only after remembering my horoscope for the week that i felt a little better...maybe having to stand up for myself to someone who is making fun of me when i'm naked (esp when it's the first time i've been naked with someone in a very long time) is just what i need to do, as painful as it is. i keep thinking about something that eckhart tolle said about the more unacceptable a situation is, the greater the power is when you find acceptance.

it still hurts. i still feel embarassed and ashamed for not standing up for myself, for taking someone home that i don't know, for not honoring myself.

the lesson is here though...i'm considering some options of how i can choose to think about this, if there space for change here. i have a greasy brunch set up with my best friend emily and brother. i'm making slow movements to get my day together. yoga later might be in order.

I bought low-cut shirts

I wore one of them tonight. I only went to a friend's house, but baby steps. It's red. When I put it on I felt pretty, kinda sexy I guess, but then I looked in the mirror at myself and the first thing I thought of was how much it looks like a shirt I had when I was three. I could see that photo of me in it: sitting in the kitchen on the yellow linoleum and licking chocolate pudding from a huge spoon. I suppose today if I sat on the floor in my new red shirt and licked a spoon that could possibly be sexy, but I just don't think of myself that way. I'd like to.
It's a confidence thing. Someone who is sexy wields far more power than I think I ought to have. I think the fear of snakes is in there somewhere. I'm not buying Freud's theory, but I started this class in spiral dynamics and it talks about the evolution of consciousness being like the human evolution, and how we begin at this very base/primal stage (loosely like Maslow's hierarchy) and how we carry certain strengths with us into the next stage of consciousness and it got me thinking that maybe I have been ignoring that aspect of myself. Maybe I'm so out of practice that this aspect of myself scares me. Now that I see it spelled out it makes sense to me.
So what to do about it? How does one get in touch with their primal self?
This weekend I'm going to try a little experiment in thinking less and relying on instinct more. I have no idea what my experiments will entail, but I know I could use more instinct in my life.

I trust my instincts and commit to looking within for my answers!

to the kids who can came into my office today and rescued me when i was about to put my head on my desk and cry--thank you.

to my mom, who called me and offered me love and compassion when she could have easily been exhausted with me and for offering an interesting and possibly transformative idea of how to deal with my boss--thank you.

to molly and dave, who teach me patience and compassion.

to bart, for funny conversations each morning on the bus commute.

to liz, for making tallerines verdes.

to ed, for getting it.

to alex (yes our alex), for a pleasant lunch date.

to myself, for asking for what i need, for saying "no," for being honest, for always trying my hardest, for laughing, for being kind--thank you.

for awareness, for being everything this broken body has ever dreamed about--endless thanks.

fiver.

dinner and a movie with emily. we've been friends for so long...she's really the best date ever.

finishing my purple scarf on the internet outage at work.

walking out into the warm night after dinner.

new summer jeans! only $10 and so cute.

finding info to make a green curriculum at school. it's something i feel really passionate about and it's fun.

a pause.

so many days without posting. to sum up: mem day in michigan with molly's family and some pcvs. lots of bbqed good food and awkward meetings and love and tanning beds and cigarettes and not enough alone time and feeling sad about my family and loving mollys family and wishing i could be more outgoing and feeling like i was there with my emotions, understanding that this was happening for a reason. the way i feel around molly was amplified because i am ready to let it go. one morning i stayed in molly's nephews wooden bed, hungover and let waves of discontent wash over me and then subside. i took away all the names for my feelings and then it just became tensions. tense tense tenser and then....release. another wave. another release. after a hour an hour i felt fine, got up and had a good day.

the opening up to emotions without giving them names or personalizing them...this is a lot of what i learned at vipassanna. it's all energy, let it come let it go, do not develop an attachment to any of it. this too shall pass.

i just had a really emotionally conversation with my mom when i talked to her about how i felt about being around the stability of molly's family and feeling angry at her for not being there, etc etc. i'm the broken record of a daughter....every conversation with my mom these days ends in tears. i'm sick of it. i'm sick of being angry with my father. i'm sick of feeling dependent on one of them for saving me or going back and making the past different.

i'm ready to make a change. i'm not sure how. i've lived so longer being angry and perfectionist and critical and covering it up with a sweet smile so that no one could blame me for anything that i don't know how to do it any differently. but i know that if i am willing then the universe will guide this ship to shore, or at least more interesting seas. i'm very curious to see who i am when i am not blaming anyone else for my unhappiness.

phew.

i could really use an artist date.

you can probably tell that i'm not sure about the guy anymore, for a few different reasons. date two didn't go as well as date one, but we have one more lined up for brunch on saturday, so we'll see. more on that later.

grateful:

fela kuti, washing the dishes and cleaning my room so thorough and quiet and aware, honesty, black bean burritos, giggling with ed about my boss, the idea of making our school greener, feeling empowered at work, patience, willingness to change, a totally warm day, yoga class, brushing my teeth with liz, writing!

what's the key to a good joke timing

I started the year being really vigilant about how much time to allot to which activity within a class period. I made myself a schedule, color-coded, so I'd know how much time I have to travel to a different building, to prep and hang work, and to teach. This year has been far less dictated by time and far more dictated by a rhythm. For those who dismiss the legitimacy of "energy" being a real factor in our daily lives, spend time in a classroom during a full moon. Spend time in a classroom after a gorgeous weekend or after state testing or try teaching Kindergarteners before lunch instead of very last thing of the day. I have learned to be far more aware of the rhythm of my students this year and have let actual time fade to the back burner. Sometimes, like today, the energy of my students throws me off course and I either roll with it or become very grumpy. There is so much empathy involved, flexibility and empathy, flexibility and consistency and empathy in good teaching. Jessica Matthews is a fifth grader, fabulous in drawing and has been diagnosed as obsessive compulsive. Today she came to class after having gone on a field trip to the middle school. She had a complete 5th grade melt down when she could no longer stand her tablemate's sniffling. She was in tears because the noise was so bothersome to her. "How hard is it to just use a tissue?!" I lost my temper with her because she was being really disrespectful, as fifth graders are wont to do, and I realized too late that the whole thing probably had everything to do with feeling anxious about next year and that what I responded to was her behaviour instead of addressing the underlying problem. Better luck next time. A good lesson for me both in how I solve problems in class and in how I deflect unwanted energy. I got all stirred up by a fifth grader's energy. It reminds me of how it easier to catch a cold from a baby because they haven't yet built up the immunities adults have- just because we've lived longer.

a new discovery

i was searching for information on making mobiles yesterday and found this website called Craft, sister magazine to Make. i can't get enough of it, I have been soaking up all I can and finding exciting stuff for when I have my time back. i was thinking while doing dishes that I have alot of projects I'd like to get to. really? I say that, and I also say I should make a list, but a long list is more daunting than exciting and right now one little idea percolating at a time is good enough. jim picked up budget gardening for me at work today- he gets free magazines grab-bag style since he works for one of the largest printers in the world. i think i'm going to cozy in with another magazine filled with more project ideas. you should see my bedside table right now.
shit, i still need to think up an assignment.
ok, in honor of julia cameron take yourself on an artist's date: nobody but you, treating yourself to time that indulges your creative nature. Create a postcard that "advertizes" where you were, interpret any way you see fit.

grateful that i hung out with danny (an ex lover) and didn't make out with him.

pasta with pesto and caramel cupcakes at diana's.

ed ed, love ed at work.

breakfast with liz, so excited she got the job!

nina simone.

oh, and my brother got into catholic! i'm so so happy for him and now he doesn't have to move! so good for him and selfishly so good for me :)

The urge to respond

Very often when I hear something insightful I think "oh, I should send this to _____, this would help them" Only recently have I become aware that the something insightful might be coming to me because I need it, even when I think my only job is to spread the good word. I have had several boyfriends with whom I've done this with no success. People generally don't want to be fixed. It starts when we're two and begin saying things like "I can do it MYSELF" The other day when I read your entry about having no dating prospects and all the anxieties that surround that I wanted so badly to write to you and tell you about how best to solve that problem, but I resisted. Instead I spent the next couple days thinking about what reading your experience meant to me. For one thing it gave me permission to write down my anxieties that lurk. Reading what you'd written also showed me what we do to ourselves when we let try to live in thought without action. It's so easy for me to control all the parts of an experience when I am in charge of manipulating all the parts- even if it's a miserable little scenario I've cooked up at least I'm in control and nothing has really happened? I retreat to my dark cave. I can't say this isn't a necessary step, and even good in cycles, because I always get sick of the pretending at some point and step back into participating actively in my life again. And almost every time I snap out of it with new insights. I wanted so badly to tell you that what you're feeling only exists in your head and to tell you all of the amazing qualities that I see in you, all of which prove without a doubt that you are bound for an immensely fulfilling life in all its aspects (especially in relationships, you gorgeous girl you) but something told me to resist. You can do it for yourself. I think affirming that for you is probably one of the best gifts I can give- I believe in you. Incidently, this probably would have been way more effective with my many boyfriends as well. I don't have to fix people, I have to see them as whole. Including myself.

resisiting the urge...

to comment too much. i'm so glad you wrote all of that down. it's so human to doubt ourselves in these matters, but i look at you and think, of course you are in exactly the right place and you are so talented. but then in the same breath i can doubt myself so much. i dont know why it helps to write it all down, but it really does.

i never responded about going to toronto because i was afraid of disappointing you (but you must have guessed something) but i can't take vacation until the end of my third month. so i couldn't have done it and then you couldn't do it, and it just didn't work. it wasn't it's time, but i think that time could come in the fall if it's right.

he called! we talked on the phone for half an hour tonight with zero awkwardness, lots of laughing, honesty. i was giddy for a while afterwards and did lots of smiling and funny, jerky dancing movements. we are going to see each other on thursday! yea!!!!

i also fell over while doing a headstand in yoga tonight which was so so so embarassing.

work work. i can't even write about it.

grateful: nice phone calls, my m&m cookie, finally feeling comfortable with my boss, kayne west and shakira, messy yoga, chatting with my bro, the red coat that i always feel classy in, excited for memorial day, excited for my date

sexiness plan

If you can type topless, I get the 69th entry.
baby steps for me...

I feel intimidated and I'm embarrassed to admit it. After many versions and revisions of next year's art schedule, I have been placed half time at the elementary school I've been at this year and half of the time at the middle school. It isn't that I'm scared to teach middle school kids, what scares me most is that my skills don't measure up to those of my teaching partner. Another teacher will be taking over where I spent 20% of my time this past year. She'll teach full time there. I have been glad to know I won't be at that school next year (I didn't have alot of respect for the principal and I was there so little that I have felt like a long-term sub) but if this other teacher is there she will surely make my efforts this past year look pitiful. It's hard to see in type how insecure I feel.
My chosen career, and all I believe about myself in this career, forces me to confront major self-doubt. I still feel like the biggest flake- no the biggest chicken, for backing out of Steve's photo shoot. He hasn't written back to me, which I guess is to be expected. What is he going to say? What would I want him to say? We were invited to a wedding that weekend, but what a relief when I realized my booking mistake. I don't have to go show people I respect what my actual skills are with a camera, I don't have to see people I haven't seen since high school and worry about looking cute and happy and successful, I don't have to feel guilty about being out of town for another trip this summer when I sh/could be working. The self-doubt is paralyzing and I feel embarassed for having it. So I type through tears, and beat myself up for being such a downer and all the while a quiet part of myself, way way way in the back of my mind reminds me that I'm still a dear, sweet and well-meaning little human. I still wish I were living bigger and it is becoming clear to me that my self-doubt is what is in the way. I haven't come close to working on the last assignment, I've been putting it off like meditating and eating well because I've been busy acclimating myself to the end of the year at school. The pacing this year has been the trickiest part to get used to. This is an excuse. If I don't make anything to show you then you won't figure out that I'm really not that talented, then you won't wonder to yourself how on earth I managed to get a job teaching art, but everybody knows that those who can't do teach. I tell myself that I'm afraid of what others think, but how could I really know? What I'm really afraid of is what I think others think. What I'm really, really afraid of is not measuring up to the image I hold of what is perfect

rod didn't call today. (isn't it funny that his name is rod?) he probably shouldn't have called, if he was trying to be at all cool about it (which we joked about last night--how neither of us had played it cool). it set me off an a reaction of "well, i dont want to get my hopes up. it's probably not anything. he's probably a creep. wait, did i make him up?"

i talked to molly and gave her this whole spiel, and she said flat out to me "why dont you want this to happen?" and it wasn't until then that i could see that a part of me wants to take a little spark of something good and stamp it out, because i'm afraid of an eventual forrest fire. but you know what, as painful as they are, a forrest fire is a healthy thing. so is green growth.

so i'm ready to leave behind the self-created drama and doubt and declare to the universe in perfect diction that i am ready for a loving, respectful, romantic relationship with a man who thinks i'm just great and i think the same about him. i deserve a relationship that makes me happy and i deserve to be loved and to love someone else for who he is.

of course i am afraid that i will get hurt or change my mind or he will cheat on me or lose interest or embarrassing secrets will come out from my past and he will realize he has gotten the wrong impression of me. etc etc etc. lots of fears. i'm afraid to try to trust and not be able to or trust and then have to put him as another entry on my long list of "intimacy failed."

all that said, i want to reiterate. i'm ready for a wonderful relationship with a man, be it rod or someone else the universe has in mine. i know there is a timing to all things and i dig that. i really do.

i am open and grateful to be at this point. i am also pretty darn happy about the community art center on monday nights, contact sheets, funny bus rides, ed's kindness, pandora, green curry, changing out of my work close, sleep so new on my eyelids. 

i just went on a date! with a good looking man! we had fun! it didn't feel at all awkward! 

why now? probably because i said i was ready for it and the universe has a knack for eavesdropping on comments like this.

so obviously i am grateful for that, but in addition:

the first farmers market of the season...purchases: crunchy asparagus, ginger-cherry scones, pretty red tipped lettuce.  this made a lovely breakfast for the roomies and friends.

being so honest with liz on my bed and crying and picking goddess cards and feeling amazingly present all of a sudden and this carrying on into the evening.

running into seaton (! smith, do you remember him, my co-regi?) on the street and him driving me to my date and it was so natural to see him.

clean laundry, the cuban drummers at the party i went to last night....

i still want to get the pics of from my art project but i can't find my usb cord to download it. i'm also excited to keep working.  do you want to think of the next assignment?

love! i'm giddy!

Papaya for dessert

I have had the tastiest desserts this weekend. Last night, when I was down in Chicago celebrating Mother's Day with my Mom, we went to this italian restaurant where they make all their pasta from scratch and all their ingredients are local. They made a honeyed Panna Cotta with Rhubarb Jam....holy God was it good. Merciful heavens! I have resolved to try making my own, what a delicious experiment that will be. Tonight I carved up the papaya I just bought and one last wedge wouldn't fit in the container so I sprinkled it in lime juice and ate it. I stood over the counter with juice running down my hands. I stood there reveling in my treat, while Jim cleaned out mouse traps at the sink (the no-kill kind) I stood there eating my papaya and watching the back of Jim's head and thinking about how this would not be nearly as exciting a thing to him- he's not a huge papaya fan, and how I wouldn't really want him to share this with me. He feels this way about corn on the cob, let him have that. It's one of the ways I get to be myself within our marriage, the We. Us being different, and that making space between us, makes marriage a whole lot better, more satisfying in my mind. In a couple weeks we will have been married for four years and I feel like I am just now finding the balance between us and me. I used to spend lots of mental energy on what could possibly be a deal-breaker- what is that thing I hadn't noticed before about Jim or that thing I hadn't considered before that will undo us? Numerologically, the forth year is a foundation year. I sort of look at it as the rise of one step. I never did find a deal-breaker and I have (almost completely) stopped looking.
I feel too much like Erma Bombeck.... More in the morning, I have to get into bed.

restoration.

i can't imagine that people could spend time working next to you and not be drawn to being your friend. i understand how you can doubt that yourself, but understand that i see you so differently...

i'm waking up to a messy house that i tried to my hardest to accept last night. i went to restorative yoga after work and it was the gentlest yoga class i had ever been to, just breathing and being aware and subtle stretches. i felt high when i left and came home flying high on this energy. 

when we first moved in, our house was the happiest place to come home to. then boys entered the picture. molly has been dating dave for about two months now and they are very much in love. they are so in love that when we are all in a room together, they only look into each other's eyes and make out and don't leave room for another person in the conversation. i went out to join them on the porch and then waited by myself and then entertained molly's friend from out of town while they made out in his car. in the shower, i realized how hard i've been trying to fight feeling sad about losing molly in my life, that she says she misses me and then makes no effort to include me in anything when we are all together. it's so out of character for her (in peru, she was the most supportive person i knew who always dropped everything to be with me when i needed her) and i know this is probably good for her to be so selfish, but i have emotions about it.

liz has been dating umberto for a few weeks and she cried the other night because he called her hours after he said he would. he doesn't want his friends to know they are going out. last night they had plans to hang out and at 10pm he invited her to a party and said he would be there in five minutes. she scrambled to get ready while he waited in the car. i actually like umberto, but i do not like seeing liz this way.

and then there is me.  it seems like i meet guys when i go out. i got asked out twice the other day and there is a younger teacher who keeps coming by my office to visit me. i think he has a crush. i realized after getting asked out by the guy on the bike with his initials branded on his shoulder that i dont trust men who are attracted to me, which true and sad and based on experience. do i not want to date someone because i am afraid of being hurt? swept away? unbalanced? did marco hurt me so badly that i can't be with someone else? is there something in me that in unlovable? is there too much judgement of myself? is the judgement i have about my friend's relationships really the judgement i have about myself? if so, how do we get passed this?

i said goodbye to my mom on thursday night and then received a phone call from her at work on friday telling me that her and my grandmother had gotten into a huge fight on the way to the airport. when i think of issues in our family (and there are a few) i think of the way my grandmother has lived her life--wanting, insecure, attention-hungry, thinks everyone has it better than her, shallow--and that she raised my mom her whole life without telling her she loved her, or hugging her, or complimenting her (the fact that my mother has raised me as well as she has is a miracle. my mom is a strong woman)--all this has been such a trend passed down and i feel it come up as my pain body. having all the generations together for my mom's visit was a clear message to me that if i keep going the way i have been going then i will end up the way my grandmother is (hopefully not my mom...it's there in her but she works so hard against it).

 the fight was when my mother confronted her about all of this. she called me from the airport feeling horrible and i told her i was proud of her for saying something. sometimes when the situation is so complicated, all we can do is bring it up and hope that this awareness will change something.

i get afraid of the weight of history. i get afraid that i have too many issues to get through. i get afraid that i am destined to be a certain way. i get afraid of the amount of work it takes to work through something. i get afraid that my conditioning has been too strong. i get afraid that instead of making changes, i spend my whole life living with the identity "i'm about to make a change and i need space to do this" and this identity takes me away from people. i get afraid that maybe nothing is wrong (probably, right?).

but then i see how much i have grown in my life. i always look back at healing my eating disorder as proof that change is possible, but it does take time and this last week was a doozy and i got through it. 

today i'm going to clean the kitchen to make breakfast and then go out to bellydancing and wander back here and go see a huge community art show with my friend eric. i need this weekend to be restorative the way balm falls upon a fresh wound. 

growing up, making friends

Megan is one of the teachers in the art department in my district. She's around my age, one of two teachers close to my age, and I had assigned her an identity in my mind. I tagged her a type-A person with drawing skills far superior to mine, hence there was no sense in trying to befriend her. I asked her for some advice today, because that's an acceptable way to interact with people who you've decided are better than you. She was very helpful, but most of the time we talked about stuff you talk about with friends- weird because why would someone as perfectly put together as Megan want to talk to me? What a fucking headcase I can be! What a waste of brainspace that is! She invited me to her boyfriend's graduation party tomorrow night and suggested we get together over the summer so I can teach her photography stuff and she can teach me painting stuff. Om Mitraya Namaha. Like it or not, I have been drawing friendship to myself so I'll just have to make room for it in my consciousness. Sara is the other teacher who is close to my age and is also a great person with friend potential. Suck it up and be a friend, Harper. I'm getting better little by little but I sure do appreciate the gentle votes of confidence from the universe.

Bedtime
sweet photo of Granny Franny and me
a fun night of Indiana Jones with Andy and Jean
surprise plants popping up in the garden
sweet-smelling crabapple trees
sun
successful coil pots
lovely still lives
El Rey tamales

the friend

Sexuality is something I feel squeemish about. I don't know how to do it, how to behave or feel sexy. I know I've said this before, but I've always seen myself as "the friend". I think I took it on in middle school when I had a crush on Harry Whitmore and he decided to confide in me that he had a crush on Nicole Nechtow and would I give him some advice on how to ask her out? It was so Teen Witch. Top that, stop that.
I can see snakes representing sexuality and femininity, and my fear of its unpredictability. Snakes can make sudden moves and they're hard to read, I think that's part of what freaks me out. I still have no idea what it means, what my answer is. This morning I pulled a Sacred Spirit card, mine centered on asking the big questions of yourself. The Bear spirit accompanies this card which gives courage to the one seeking answers. The courage to look within for big answers...sounds like a running leap to me.
On another note, I feel as though I am running on empty at school. I have so little motivation, none of the lessons interest me. It could certainly be that I'm hormonal and that the kids are noticeably ready to be done with school and that lots of little end-of-the-year wrap-up stuff is beginning to circulate plus an all-school art show, but I can't maintain this feeling of dragging myself through the day for four more weeks of school. I'll go nuts. Must...finish...strong.

typing topless

my bellydance instructor has been talking about snakes as a representation of our indwelling feminity, sexuality--also kundalini yoga talks about snakes i believe. adam and eve...knowledge...there is a lot there. i'm afraid of rats, what does that symbolize? hidden things, sneakiness, the underbelly. yeah, i'm afraid of all of those things, admitting that not everything is perfect.

i'm having a funny, loose night of quirky honesty that started in the car with my mom when i started talking about the way i have been feeling with molly lately. i usually have a hard time telling my mom about what i really think, especially when it leaves me vunerable, but i just really needed to talk about how i feel like i am just always following a step behind her, cleaning up her messes while she gets all the attention. which makes me examine how my identity is tied up in being organized and dependable while other people get noticed and how i resent this. there is no mistake that this is coming up right now. this is coming up because it needs to be felt and talked about and the shame needs to be taken away from feeling jealous and feeling needy and wanting something you can't have. everyone feels this way and i feel this way and it's okay. it doesn't mean i don't love molly. it means i love her enough to run the gamut with my emotions.

talkative at home and so quiet at work. it's hard for me to raise my voice and be myself right away. my elemtnary school shyness comes through and i look around to see how other people are acting. do i make too much eye contact? not enough? am i too engaged? too aloof? people always like molly right away--what would molly do? what would my mother do--am i following in her footsteps? should i be honest or fake confidence when i am so overwhelmed? my boss took me out to a fancy restaurant for lunch with his secretary and i wished i could enjoy the food more, but i was nervous. for what? i want people to like me. i want to make a good impression. i want to fit in. i want to have friends, be loved, prove that i am valuable and that i have changed. the normal human stuff. as a result i am such a perfectionist who starts to edit something before i speak. i hate it that my boss has to ask me to repeat myself so often. i'm shy and i don't want to be shy and that makes it even worse.

i wish i could speak up and show people how funny i am. but this comes with time...i know that about myself. it takes me a little time to make a friend and then they are a friend for a long time. everything always works out. i always find my niche. i always do work that is meaningful and move to the next opportunity. i always learn and change and walk away a different person and think well of it. yet the fear that i will fail...where does that come from? its so unfounded, yet such a pattern in my thinking.

awareness is key. honesty is key. write. it. all. down. pray for openness. feel it. you are never alone. there is a plan. you have exactly what you need. just pay attention. you are not flawed. you are more whole than you can imagine. hold this like you would cradle a tiny baby. it's that precious.

i am grateful for my mother's listening, going out for a fancy lunch just for the sound of it, radical self-acceptance, pandora, laura, my new office with a window and a pigeon friend visitor, working on my art project...being alive.

Living bigger

I was just looking at my treasure map that I made a few months ago. I hadn't made one in a long time but something that Jim was studying suggested it and I joined in. I cut out alot of stuff, trying not to censor myself, and in the end I have a few major themes- self-love and creativity, community and friendship, world travel. There is a tiny photo of a man and woman running in swim suits towards the end of pier. It makes me nervous when I look at it, part of why I put it in the middle of my map (surrounded by words like " Love is all you need" and "find your happy place") It makes no difference to my eye that it's a small photo, because I notice it almost immediately. I've read that a body of water symbolizes life, and just recently I heard Joseph Campbell interpret a body of water as our unconscious. I want to start living bigger and this photo is my kind of "having a great time, wish you were here" postcard. I don't yet know what living bigger actually looks like.
I am afraid of snakes. We were touring the countryside in the Dominican Republic when one of the local farmers offered up his prized python for everyone on the tour to pass around and pose with. Before I even had a thought, I was sobbing. It felt like I had two minds working; one was thinking about how to be gracious and not offend the farmer or take anything away from the experience for the other tourists, the other was consumed with a racing heart, sweaty palms and an amazing amount of tears. Once when I was dating Keven, he pointed out a small gardener snake on a nature trail and I promptly climbed to the top of my then boyfriend. Joseph Campbell says the snake in mythology represents life or the indwelling life force. I don't want to be afraid of life. OK, the symbolism only works out if I accept it, but the idea has stuck with me so it's reasonable to think that it might hold some truth for me. What am I afraid of? I think I'll have to meditate on this a while, I don't yet have an answer, but I do think it's an important next step for me. This timidity is showing up in my work and in my art- a wall I'm butting up against. I don't know what I'm getting myself into, but I'm willing to give it my attention. I'd love to be somebody who could take a running leap.

i was hoping to get up early and meditate, but sleep won. when sleep wins, you know you don't have a choice, but i thought i could dash off a couple of thoughts before work.

what is going on in me is so interesting right now. i'm obviously under a lot of stress due to starting a new job which i was not qualified for when i was hired and now am oddly expected to know how to do (although i do think i will be a very good grants writer because a grant is organized like how my brain likes to travel). i almost reached a break-down moment yesterday when they told me i would have to give up my office a few days a week so they could do some testing with the kids. the result is that i threw a fit, said something slightly offensive to my boss, we both got upset with each other, he pulled a few strings and got me a new, quieter office (with a window!), and i felt more comfortable around him...

anyway, that is not the most interesting part. ever since leaving my other job last week, i've been noticing that a lot of negativity is coming up in me...about myself, my mom, molly, working. it's difficult because the emotion is so strong, but the amazing part is that i have never felt so detached from it. i have this strong inner knowing that it's moving through me, and not me, and i am not compounding it by wrestling over it or feeling guilty. my face has been really, really broken out too (have you ever heard of the louise hay theory that zits are unexpressed anger coming up?), and i feel almost giddy about it...like, let's get this shit up and out. when i wake up in the morning, i feel clean.

it's a slight shift in perception, but it's powerful and like everything, i don't know where it is going but it's so pleasant to see a change. i really do think that this blog, having a place to tell the truth, has been very important in my fun-loving, truth-seeking, moving away from repression to a new model journey.

have a open day! 

day two.

it was by no means easy, but i feel more human than i did yesterday. i think that even by tomorrow or thursday, i will be able to put something together creatively. 

happy: yoga class, molly, acceptance, m&m cookie, accepting my parents, messiness, jarabe de palo, accepting a bad mood as much as a good one, understanding myself, ed's quietness, sleep.

eeek.

i started my new job and i am so drained of everything right now. i wish i could type more, but this transition is difficult and i need sleep.

simply:

1. i am grateful for you harper for constantly supporting and inspiring me.
2. honesty.
3. riding my bike home.
4. picking goddess cards with liz before work.
5. for getting into the darkroom for the first time in too long.

love.

show pony

I spoke at the school board meeting tonight on behalf of the district art department. They have delegated art teachers' scheduling to someone with no experience or interest in the job and so our schedules suck for next year. As it stands, I'll be traveling between three schools each week. Everybody in the department has serious concerns about the scheduling, but no one was willing to speak- I mean everyone said they were scared of speaking. Once again, thank you YOU. Give me a mic and I'm a regular show pony! Before YOU I was very, very shy. now not.
I am digging deep to finish this school year strong. I really don't want it all to peter out, but it's hard not to set my focus on the summer.... I've got to come up with some fun stuff with which my students can finish up the year. What were your favorites?
I'm looking forward to hearing your assignment story. Mine is sort of funny too- I said I was going to get the scanner from Jim's Dad and then I forgot. Instead he brought it over last night, out of the blue. Check that off my list...!

Special thanks to...

Key lime pie - really easy recipe in the back of Real Simple this month
my new red shoes
hostas placed on the curb, just waiting for their new home in my back yard
the perfect amount of clay this morning so all of my first graders could make a pinch pot
A fantasically supportive principal
An inspiring and pro-active group of colleagues

it's been a rainy day filled with mothers and fathers and so much food.

i really was happy to spend the day with family even through my warts and all hangover.

"young at heart" is brilliant and energetic.

my dad was happier and kinder than i have seen him in a long time. i'm not sure what brought about this change, but it just occured to me that it could be because i am letting him be in my thoughts and by chance, could this be a reflection?

delicious mexican feast cooked by my father's rock star wife, jennie.

my mom who is brave and kind and fun.

i'm excited and nervous and everything about tomorrow but i have such a good feeling about it. another first day at school!

there is a fun way that my assignment from this week has come together but i will save that for tomorrow.

Patterns

Yesterday was a crabby sort of day for me, peppered with candy. It started out rocky with two classes of Kindergarteners who were really done with school, just totally checked out. The rest of the day really wasn't too bad, just little things irritating me (repetitive noises, a certain perfume....) By the end of the day I really was feeling OK, plus Priscilla and Kyle were on their way up from Chicago. I was going to finish up some lesson planning and head home with enough time to clean the house a little. Then Tim's Mom came to find me. Tim's Mom is Bi-Polar, and I learned later that she was probably in a manic cycle when she came to "speak" with me. Tim had just been in my last 4th grade class and she dragged him down to apologize to me for his behavior in class. It's such a long and involved story, not at all worth repeating but in a nutshell she spewed rotten amped-up energy at me, in a stairwell, with girlscouts walking by, while I attempted to apply my best "I hear you" and "I understand that you" statements. I finally said I'm not going to continue this conversation with you here, but I would be happy to take it to the principal's office. She told me she'd speak to the principal without me and stormed off. The whole time I was trying to get myself to step back from the situation and let it happen, but I still left the experience feeling shaky all over. I felt like crying, but I think it was just because of the energy in my system. I didn't feel any guilt about the situation, I didn't take on any of what she was accusing.
It's so interesting that this should come up just as I'd been thinking about my Dad and his temper. It was the same kind of wild, baseless shouting. I think one of the best things my Mom taught me was that I didn't have to accept being talked to that way, that I should be able to talk to my Dad, to anyone I love about they way they treat me. And I did. I think the subtle difference that made was an awareness in me is that I am still who I am no matter what gets thrown at me, that just because someone calls me a name doesn't make that my name. I think yesterday was one more reflection on what I really believe, about myself, about the job I'm doing as a teacher, and building my confidence and self-trust is like a daily vitamin.
Speaking of vitamins, I started taking pre-natal vitamins. Again.

can i break the heart talk rules and just respond right here? actually i dont know why i am asking, because i am just going to do it anyways :)

i've struggled so much with dad issues. growing up, my dad had a really volatile temper. i remember getting yelled at for: spilling lemonade in his bed, not knowing the right highway to take to my mom's boyfriends vacation home when i was about 8,  for kissing him right before some olympic event, for stating that i was pro-choice and not wavering when he tried to debate me out of it, for being messy, for stepping on his books on tape container

i can't remember what he was yelling at me for once but i was in his kitchen crying and he started shaming me for crying...

my weekends at his house consisted of us eating too much food and going to parks and me having nightmares and climbing into bed with him. i had a really hard time sleeping when i was younger. i felt like if i closed my eyes for a second, something bad would come for me. 

i worried a lot about him too. my brother and i would get big eyes when one of us would tell the other..."do you know dad lost his house, car, teeth?" i remember how we couldn't talk about it when all of his teeth started falling out. i felt embarrassed in front of my friends and then immediately guilty.  

my dad still snaps at me more than i would like and i still react, but overall, he's a lot calmer than he used to be. this is due to his wife, who is a godsent. 

yet i still carry a lot of this around with me. it's a heavy past. as eckart tolle says, i have a heavy pain body, and the only thing that's going to lighten my load is light, as in consciousness. writing about it helps. knowing that you go through it too helps a lot. 

how do you accept pain in a culture that tells you that to admit to feeling pain is a great sin? slowly? with patience? because i really don't have a choice. because i know it's right in a way i dont understand.

rainy day and i ate too much with my family. i dont know if it was the weather or just processing from my day off or an active painbody but i felt low energy and had to work hard to stay conscious. 

now i'm off to sleep... thank you.

but first:

1. lunch with some classy ladies in my family.

2. eckart and oprah were my best friends today.

3. doing all the laundry--the house looks great.

4. sleep, sleepy acceptance.

5. right now.

handle ya business

I don't remember what sitcom that's from, but it popped into my head and fits my day perfectly. Maybe it was the Cosby Show? I just remember someone imitating some squirrely crazy person as they said it. I just got off the phone with Priscilla, who was finishing up another hour of driving through traffic (which she hates) and has yet to eat dinner. I don't have to describe how the conversation went. And I hung up and said "argh!" out loud. But why? I wasn't having a bad night. I wasn't even having a mildly irritating night. It's funny you mentioned becoming aware of the experience in front of you and just allowing/watching without having to engage. Did we both read the same Ekhart Tolle page today? Really, I just picked it up again today after having out it down for a while. I have many, many books on my bedstand right now. It's become silly. But while I was waiting for the beets to be ready, I read a few pages of Tolle's book. By the way, I am definitely planting beets again this year- they are the most beautiful things I've ever grown and then eaten. I want to get better at how I discipline my students as I understand it through Tolle's ideas. I want to be less emotionally stirred when I give my students consequences. It just seems so droid-like. Maybe it's because I can't visualize what it would look like. One day when I was about nine or ten my Dad took me to the optometrist for an appointment. I had walked home from school and he was going to come home from work to get me. He called to tell me he was on his way and that I should be ready when he pulled up. He pulled up and I couldn't find my key. We kept it in the mailbox so I could get in after school and I must have set it down somewhere but I couldn't find it by the time my Dad pulled up. Now, today I would have run out to the car and explained that I just needed to find my key and I'd be right out, but I didn't do that. I was panicked that I wasn't ready on time and so I just kept looking. My Dad burst in screaming and the part I remember clearly, the part I clearly need to let go "why don't you know where your goddamn key is are you fucking retarded?" It's so strange to see that written because it could so easily describe a total trailer trash, deadbeat Dad and my Dad was not. He did explode, from calm to furious in a snap. He would get equally mad if I drank the last of the juice and didn't rinse the pitcher (even though a neat freak he is certainly not, and I think you're picking up what I'm putting down). Holy Daddy monologue.... yes, I have issues with anger and the appropriateness of emotions. It is easy for me to light into my students like my Dad did, but I don't. I do want to be honest about my emotions though, I think it's important for kids to see how adults handle emotion. I also think kids need to be given boundaries. Boundaries and showing real emotion with kids are not strengths that I observe in the parents of my students. I know it's a huge generalization. I aslo realize that most of what I'm writing is external, my reaction to external experience- something I started this note by saying I am beginning to understand. Maybe it's better to say I'm beginning to twirl the idea around in my head. My ego. My, it's time for bed again.

i'm grateful for all of the sweet emails and hugs and goodbyes i got from even the most unexpected characters at work. i felt like my time there had been important to me, even if i don't understand why now.  chatting with kim at the grocery story, cooking dinner with jimmy and giggling about killing the most noble cow ever, have a new piece of understanding about our job as consciousness being to just feel what is there without changing it, reading on the metro, sweet goodbyes with everyone, cheese enchiladas for lunch, being brave enough to not go out when i felt like i should but didn't want to, patience, tenthousand villages, obama's victory, amani, 

it made me really happy to read your gratitudes. so you could say that i am grateful that you are grateful. i am also grateful for cooking dinner with my mom, looking at pictures from peru with liz and umberto and them seeing the same wonderfulness that i saw in ivan, yoga, chocolate brownies from whole foods, my high-waisted skirt, "the known world," falling into a rhythm at work, loving my hot body, feeling sexy for some reason...

the last weekend in june would be best for me. how many days were you thinking?

9:21, time to turn in

I'm looking forward to climbing into my freshly made bed.
I enjoyed my free burrito immensely.
Jim and I were dubbed most fun to play video games with by my friend, Andy.
I got a really sweet little note that made my day and validates a whole year.
I finally got to wear flip flops today, sporting my favorite nail polish "Midnight in Moscow"
In about a month I'll have a whole summer ahead of me.

Sweet dreams til sunbeams find you.

1. i am grateful for yoga and how it clears my head even in the messiest of moments. today i was in a really challenging posture and a part of me wanted to give up, but i had the very strong idea that i had committed myself to being there and that i was just going to feel the pain and get stronger.

2. i am grateful for laughing with liz.

3. i am grateful for being so honest with ya harper and for the freedom that gives me in all parts of my life

4. i am grateful for my room, my house, all of my families.

5. i am grateful for awareness.

ps i did a quick check for tix to toronto and it looks like $500 from here. i'll do more searching tomorrow when i'm at work.  how many days are you thinking? sweet dreams harper...

I will

I've been wanting to scan my all of my film to CD so that I can make use of it more easily. It seems like an odious task, but I do look forward to the reading-old-journals aspect of it. Jim's Dad has a film scanner that he doesn't use, so my first task that I will commit to is getting the scanner and installing it at home. I plan on nibbling at this all summer. Maybe my treat to myself when I'm done will be my own show somewhere...

part II

create an artistic representation of an image you have of yourself that ultimately causes you to suffer. then, artistically, smash it to pieces and make something out of it that causes you to feel joy.

assignment. part I.

choose a long-term assignment that you really want to get done, but have been procrastinating. describe what it is you want to do and commit yourself to working on it each week, and being supported in your efforts.

today, ten things.

1. i am grateful for the honest prayers in church this morning.

2. i am grateful for the massage molly gave me and for being able to be honest with her about feeling jealous and how to move with that feeling.

3. i am grateful that i had lunch with my mom and brother today. i am so happy she is here, warts and all.

4. i am grateful for yummy mexican tapas.

5. i am grateful to taking a hard moment and making something beautiful out of it.

6. i am grateful for feeling like i was in latin america again at the festival.

7. i am grateful for my sundress and floppy hat.

8. i am grateful for a good night's sleep.

9. i am grateful for the play, which was compelling and well-acted.

10. i am grateful for feeling like i am on the right track.

"i got this close" or "butterfingers"

i got this close to really thinking i was past all of my issues, and then my mom came back from china. and then we went to a play.

after the play, my mom and i were standing around, waiting for my aunt and uncle. all of a sudden, i heard someone say "nancy" and it was sheldon, the father of my childhood friend jenny. we were best friends in elementary school, partially because our parents were dating and more because we dominated the after-school program, SACC. jenny was bossy and i went along with her. and then for reasons i can't remember (maybe when i changed schools) we weren't friends anymore. i hadn't thought about her in years.

her dad looked at me and first commented on how tall i was, then asked what i had been doing, my brother. my mom explained about her time in china. i inquired about jenny and her brother. it had the makings of a slightly-awkward meeting of old friends trying to catch up in a minute or two. i was ready to say goodbye when sheldon looked at me and said, "you really look great. i mean, i'm really impressed. i remember once when jenny told me that you had eaten a pat of butter at a restaurant. it's funny but that has always been the thing i remembered about you."

then he left and my mouth was still hanging open. did he seriously just say that? i turned to my mom and aunt and uncle and said, "so all this time he was thinking i was a butter-eater?" what gives him the right to say that to me in front of other people?" my mom responded by asking me if i really had eaten the butter.

the answer is probably. when i was a kid, particularly around that time, i had some pretty strange eating habits. when i was five and my parents got divorced, i began eating to comfort myself, usually the foods that they wouldn't let me have, and usually foods that had a lot of fat in them. butter, bowls of melted cheese...i even used to suck on the paper towels that absorbed the grease from the bacon we cooked in the microwave. one time before my brother's boys scout box-car derby/potluck, my mom made potato salad with bacon in it and i made myself sick to the point of vomiting from ingesting bacon grease. i remember hiding the paper towels under my bed, right next to my mom's copy of "the joy of sex."

i also remember being reprimanded by a close family friend at one of my father's parties from cutting myself a large chunk of butter for a biscuit. "oh let her eat it," his brother said. "but she's gonna give herself a heart attack at age 7," he responded. this is crystal clear in my mind.

obviously there is a lot of shame about this in my mind. this does not seem like something a normal child would have done. i have spent many years of my life thinking that i could never, ever, ever tell anyone these deep, dark secrets. it's only recently that i have begun to look back into my life to see how hard that must have been for 5 year-old me, trying to navigate how life was going to work now that her angry father and alcoholic mother were not going to live in the same house.

i ate to comfort myself at this time. i ate because it was how i knew how to get attention, and how to shield myself from dealing with a lot of pain when i did not have anything or anyone to guide me through it. i still can't quite explain my choice of foods. this would be easier to write if i had just hoarded candy bars or potato chips (although i did binge on those things as well at different points) i might have eaten butter to rebel against my mother's food restrictions or maybe my growing body just craved fat. even today, after almost four years of a having a healthy relationship with food (thank you god), i still need to eat a lot of fat to feel full. of course, today this means avocados and peanut butter and bread drizzled with olive oil (again, thank god).

i have the fear that if someone were to hear all of this, they would be disgusted and not love me anymore. while i was traveling in bolivia, i had a very nice romance with a terribly, terribly sexy french-swiss man who told me over and over how absolutely beautiful i am and mentioned how much he wanted to see pictures of me as a child, to see how beautiful i was then. this made me feel anxious. like if he saw how i used to be, then he wouldn't love me in the present. i know this is in my head, and that it's mainly because of my own perceptions of what is acceptable to do and talk about. after a week of not feeling guilty (or rather noticing how often my impulse is to feel guilty), i'm feeling brave. i'm ready laugh at myself about my crooked childhood. i'm ready to recognize that all of that hardness is what makes me the honest, compassionate individual that i am now. the truth is that being an overweight child with a compulsive eating problem was not fun. now i'm hoping to make it funny. i'm ready to not be ashamed anymore.

haha, i used to eat butter as a child, and it's actually really funny that this man would carry that memory over so many years, just waiting to drop it and bring up shit from my past. later on, i thought i should have responded that the only thing i could remember about him was what a terrible temper he had and how his bald head would get bright red when he would scream at his kids or when he cut the tip of his own finger off while trimming bushes and drove himself to the hospital with jenny and i in the backseat, swearing all the way....

but somethings aren't appropriate for casual conversation. unless, karmically, you are ready to hear them and use them creatively.

one last story about butter. when i was running for student council in high school, my friend lindsey helped me to make campaign posters using ani difranco lyrics and black-and-white photographs. one of my favorites said, "gracy likes butterflies, but she'd love to be your school representative." a few days after i put the posters up, my friend emily ran over to me holding the poster. "you've been vandalized," she said, laughing. someone, a little punk kid who later on got tuberculosis, had put white-out of the "flies" part. "gracy loves butter." it said. i was horrified. i laughed. i hoped no one had seen it.

it's the truth though, i love butter. i cannot tell a lie.

If I have to live by a story, I might as well make it good

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dhVTgDKs3l4

p.s.

i love byron katie!

because oprah said so.

our stories, interesting. the fact that we can write new ones when the old ones get stagnant, fascinating. 

there is something that happens to me when i get around my mom...i start to really trust myself. i noticed this when she came to visit in peru and when i went to visit her in china. it feels so good to not question so much, to be so present, to feel grown up and not take things personally. i am grateful for this.

i am grateful for the wonderful meeting with sandra from life with cancer and the possibility of doing a phototherapy program this summer for people living with cancer. i have been praying for service and this has come up so beautifully.

i am grateful for...i don't know, springtime i suppose, and change, and coming home to a house of people.

i am grateful for sitting with emotions on the metro and letting myself feel the intricacies of loving someone but knowing you can never possess them or feeling angry at someone for doing something i have done.

i am grateful for food in a time when so many people this world are worrying about food. i feel bad being grateful when there is lack, for celebrating abundance when people are starving, but nothing starts from guilt, i know this.  i know it because oprah told me. 

Our stories

I am beginning to recognize that we are all driven by our stories, and am grateful for this awakening.
I am aware that it has come time to forgive and I am grateful for being given the tools and the experiences to help me do just that.
I feel comforted and also enlightened to learn that we share collective stories, that this path I'm traveling has been well-worn and if I don't have the answers I can be sure that they are out there.
I am living in a really, very big world and I have much left to learn. I'm young so I have plenty of time.

PS- I think you'd find Joseph Campbell's The Power of Myth interesting- documentary by Bill Moyers. I was also just turned on to Byron Katie and am very intrigued.

so tired, so grateful

1. hard yoga class that opened up some emotion in me that i hadn't been accessing. 

2. cooking dinner with jimmy....fresh asparagus, spinach with chick peas, liz's lentils.

3. reading through the play i started to write while i was in china and finding that it still sounds pretty good...i really want to keep working.

4. right now, reading your story, soft bed.

5. my mom is coming tomorrow!

A narrative, including Grandparents

He sat in a tightly wrapped ball, careful not to let his face show. It worked well. It was such a clever disguise that even the clusters of girls, who know everyone, especially the boys, couldn't identify him. "Hi Alec.", called the chittering amoeba gliding past to the playground. It wasn't at all worth his energy to speak, "No, it's not Alec. It's Sam." It looks dumb to talk with your head between your legs- with your voice coming from your crotch?, and there's no good way to look up while wiping away tears like it's nothing.
It was nothing. They decided to play four-square with a basketball because they couldn't find the real ball and he wasn't looking and he got hit in the face. But it really hurt. The urge to cry and the promise not to duked it out as he ran. When he got inside the school he wasn't really sure what to do next, so this tightly wrapped ball was what he did.
He sat with his head tucked between his crossed arms and listened to the clips of voices and the different rhythms of feet. He thought about how much longer he'd have to be at school before he got to go home. He tried to remember which house he was going to after school, Mom's or Dad's. If it's Mom, then this is the weekend they go up north to his Grandma's cottage. It's not really a cottage, it's more like a trailer. It is a trailer. His cousins might be there, but probably not his Grandma. If it's Dad's weekend, they might go up there and then they might not- his Dad works alot, even on the weekends, so he might get taken up north but then he'd have to hang out with his cousins by himself. Or then maybe his Grandma would come. Sitting on the floor, just outside the office, tucked into his neat ball, Sam decided that he would build a fire in the woods this weekend. Probably he could get his cousins to fish with him. The bell rang, kids rushed in and all around. Sam stood up, pretended to push his long, blonde bangs back from his face and joined the crowd back up to class.

One sunny day

mental activity.

1. i am grateful that you are also going through some guilt-withdrawel/life challenges too, because i can see it so much kinder when looking at it from your point of view. i was so upset after work today that i bought "codependent no more" at the local spirituality bookstore and chatted to the very quiet owner about wanting to take a guilt-fast and how it's so hard for me, etc. i guess i needed someone to talk to...a quick read through the book told me, yup, i am codependent, wanting to make people happy, often hard to figure out what i want, feeling responsible for so many things i cant control. i don't want to get too identified with names and conditions, but i do think this book could have some good clues to take another step. these are all just steps and being conscious of that brings so much to light.

2. i am grateful for waking up with a smile for the first time in a while.

3. i am grateful for a nice chat with my yoga teacher and another headstand.

4. i am grateful for diana and amani at work.


5. i am grateful for the handmade paper store. i am grateful for the wonderful smelling bushes that someone planted in the middle of the roundabout. i am grateful for the small glimpses of conscious presence that i cultivated admist my very confused thinking. i am grateful for reconnecting with kali over gchat. i am grateful for picking out fun music from my eye pod (hee) for the documentary piece. i am grateful for free cone day. i am grateful for another day, another opportunity to listen and try to understand/live well.

love to you!

comment boxes are for wusses

I called Jim from work today and told him what happened. It was just a short phone call, I just wanted to say out loud to someone what had happened before the shock wore off and my ego put its spin on it. (Now I feel drenched in that shit.)
When he got home he sad he'd bee thinking about the comment box at work since he'd talked to me. They used to have a comment box at work, where people could leave anonymous notes about whatever. These notes would then be read and shared at the monthly department meeting by Jim's boss. I guess people had been too negative and disrespectful with their comments so Jim's boss took the box away. No more anonymous comments. Jim felt cheated out of his opportunity to one day leave a disgruntled comment in the box. He felt like, some day, he may have a comment that would be perfect for the box but now it will have nowhere to go. He also thought, how stupid to ask people to share their thoughts and then take the chance away when the thoughts shared aren't nice?
When I got home I started looking for ceramics lessons. I was thinking of coil pots, but it seems like it's been done. And then I realize that this is the kind of thinking that got me into this spot in the first place. I may have seen lots of coil pots, many people all over the world have made coil pots, but this class of fifth graders hasn't.
I have spent most of this year grossly overthinking and severely undertrusting. I am still willing to let go of any guilt and to redirect that energy into something positive. I will work towards balance, peppered with self-love.
Goodnight.

Guilt free!

I'm on board for a guilt-free week. I will practice transforming my feelings of guilt into pro-active steps towards change.

Clay

Yesterday I unwrapped all of the clay vessels that the 4th graders made to find that almost all had cracked. The clay shrunk but the paper tube armature inside did not. They're in the "leather hard" stage, which means they're perfect for carving but very, very fragile and virtually unmendable. I patched the cracks with clay, but I think I only created an illusion for the kids that their mug was fixed- the two clay bodies will likely dry at different times and pull apart...
At the beginning of the year I would have sat on the floor of my classroom and cried, for letting down that whole class of kids and for confirming that I am not a very good art teacher. I still do feel badly for the kids, they worked hard on this lesson thus far, but I am slowly learning to be more forgiving of myself. Things like this must happen. People don't start out as great teacher, but turn into one over time. It all takes patience. I also believe that if I had melted into a puddle of self-pity I might have taken too narrow a perspective to see that the cylinder can still be divided in half and turned into a dish. It might actually be a better thing than the cylinder. And if I really wanted to put a glossy sheen on my clay debacle I'd go a step further and say that the lesson for my students of what can be made out of a mistake is a very valuable one.
I still do wish I was well-versed in all media and a phenom of an art teacher, but I'm trying instead to see myself as a budding art teacher with lots of potential and a true desire to grow. The latter take patience that I'd never learn were I the former. Sigh.

one more bit

can i also add another assignment to the week? 

i'm going on a one week guilt fast. i am not going to feel guilty for anything and instead put that energy into asking for what i need and letting people take responsibility for themselves.

i invite you to join me.

on jealousy...

this is one i don't want to write, but i don't see anyway around it.

when i did my silent retreat in january, i walked over the frozen illinois tundra and the wind bit my face and the words kept forming themselves in my mind, singsonging from my childhood. "it's so big, you can't get over it. so wide you can't get around it. so deep you can't get under it."

there are some issues in life that are so big, so much karmically bigger than you are, that you can't just hope they'll go away. they have to announced and cried over and lived into the future where they finally, with humility, let you have occasional peace. this whole process takes a lot of honesty and steps forward and back. 

i have gone through this with body image, with men, with wanting to feel beautiful, with wanting to feel funny, with wanting to have best friends, with wanting to love and accept my father (still working on this one). 

i'm currently working on jealousy though. there, i said it: i'm jealous! 

i'm going to celebrate being jealous right now. i'm jealous of happy people who have flowing lives. i'm jealous of molly because everyone loves her and she attracted a happy relationship so quickly. i am jealous that liz is dating someone new and i'm not. i'm jealous and afraid i'm going to be left out when my two roommates/best friends have someone new in their lives and i don't. i'm afraid this means there is something wrong with me. i'm jealous of laura for having a stable family that spoils her and a boyfriend that spoils her and has never had to deal with loneliness (or so i like to imagine). i'm jealous of amanda because her life has fallen into place and she is dating someone who spoils her.

wow, writing is so good. this whole day i was thinking i was just generally jealous, but from writing it all down i can see that i am jealous of my friends who are in happy relationships with men who dote on this. i am jealous of this because i don't feel worthy of having a relationship like this and i don't know why. 

i wish i didn't want it. i wish i could be stoic enough and accepting enough and desireless enough to just wait patiently and believe in myself and the universe that i will attract what i need, when i need it. somedays i am. today i feel messier. today i look at the general trend of my mom and her relationships, of my relationships, my fathers relationships, my brothers....i'm starting to feel like i'm screwed. i feel the weight of generations upon me.

breathe. there is a tightness in my chest these days. i don't know exactly what it means.  i thought it was from switching jobs, but it could be more. i'm worried about starting my new job and mad at myself for feeling worried, for putting expectation and desire on top of everything else. i'm worried that my new boss isn't going to like me as much as he thinks he does.

it's hard to write all this, and let it all fall to the floor all of my defenses, not be positive, not be sunny. it really scares me to have people see me be less than perfect. the result is that i am closing off my connection because i can't find the time to monitor everything that comes out. maybe this is why i can't talk on the phone these days....i want a delay button or a chance to rewrite out three rough drafts, a dress rehearsal, three dress rehearsals...but i want the actors to think they're doing the real thing.

phewsdsjs;ldfasldkjf;asdlkj

it's good to vent all of that. now for dinner. cream of spinach/broccoli and pupusas! love love to eat even through the messiest moments.