I bought low-cut shirts

I wore one of them tonight. I only went to a friend's house, but baby steps. It's red. When I put it on I felt pretty, kinda sexy I guess, but then I looked in the mirror at myself and the first thing I thought of was how much it looks like a shirt I had when I was three. I could see that photo of me in it: sitting in the kitchen on the yellow linoleum and licking chocolate pudding from a huge spoon. I suppose today if I sat on the floor in my new red shirt and licked a spoon that could possibly be sexy, but I just don't think of myself that way. I'd like to.
It's a confidence thing. Someone who is sexy wields far more power than I think I ought to have. I think the fear of snakes is in there somewhere. I'm not buying Freud's theory, but I started this class in spiral dynamics and it talks about the evolution of consciousness being like the human evolution, and how we begin at this very base/primal stage (loosely like Maslow's hierarchy) and how we carry certain strengths with us into the next stage of consciousness and it got me thinking that maybe I have been ignoring that aspect of myself. Maybe I'm so out of practice that this aspect of myself scares me. Now that I see it spelled out it makes sense to me.
So what to do about it? How does one get in touch with their primal self?
This weekend I'm going to try a little experiment in thinking less and relying on instinct more. I have no idea what my experiments will entail, but I know I could use more instinct in my life.

I trust my instincts and commit to looking within for my answers!

to the kids who can came into my office today and rescued me when i was about to put my head on my desk and cry--thank you.

to my mom, who called me and offered me love and compassion when she could have easily been exhausted with me and for offering an interesting and possibly transformative idea of how to deal with my boss--thank you.

to molly and dave, who teach me patience and compassion.

to bart, for funny conversations each morning on the bus commute.

to liz, for making tallerines verdes.

to ed, for getting it.

to alex (yes our alex), for a pleasant lunch date.

to myself, for asking for what i need, for saying "no," for being honest, for always trying my hardest, for laughing, for being kind--thank you.

for awareness, for being everything this broken body has ever dreamed about--endless thanks.

fiver.

dinner and a movie with emily. we've been friends for so long...she's really the best date ever.

finishing my purple scarf on the internet outage at work.

walking out into the warm night after dinner.

new summer jeans! only $10 and so cute.

finding info to make a green curriculum at school. it's something i feel really passionate about and it's fun.

a pause.

so many days without posting. to sum up: mem day in michigan with molly's family and some pcvs. lots of bbqed good food and awkward meetings and love and tanning beds and cigarettes and not enough alone time and feeling sad about my family and loving mollys family and wishing i could be more outgoing and feeling like i was there with my emotions, understanding that this was happening for a reason. the way i feel around molly was amplified because i am ready to let it go. one morning i stayed in molly's nephews wooden bed, hungover and let waves of discontent wash over me and then subside. i took away all the names for my feelings and then it just became tensions. tense tense tenser and then....release. another wave. another release. after a hour an hour i felt fine, got up and had a good day.

the opening up to emotions without giving them names or personalizing them...this is a lot of what i learned at vipassanna. it's all energy, let it come let it go, do not develop an attachment to any of it. this too shall pass.

i just had a really emotionally conversation with my mom when i talked to her about how i felt about being around the stability of molly's family and feeling angry at her for not being there, etc etc. i'm the broken record of a daughter....every conversation with my mom these days ends in tears. i'm sick of it. i'm sick of being angry with my father. i'm sick of feeling dependent on one of them for saving me or going back and making the past different.

i'm ready to make a change. i'm not sure how. i've lived so longer being angry and perfectionist and critical and covering it up with a sweet smile so that no one could blame me for anything that i don't know how to do it any differently. but i know that if i am willing then the universe will guide this ship to shore, or at least more interesting seas. i'm very curious to see who i am when i am not blaming anyone else for my unhappiness.

phew.

i could really use an artist date.

you can probably tell that i'm not sure about the guy anymore, for a few different reasons. date two didn't go as well as date one, but we have one more lined up for brunch on saturday, so we'll see. more on that later.

grateful:

fela kuti, washing the dishes and cleaning my room so thorough and quiet and aware, honesty, black bean burritos, giggling with ed about my boss, the idea of making our school greener, feeling empowered at work, patience, willingness to change, a totally warm day, yoga class, brushing my teeth with liz, writing!

what's the key to a good joke timing

I started the year being really vigilant about how much time to allot to which activity within a class period. I made myself a schedule, color-coded, so I'd know how much time I have to travel to a different building, to prep and hang work, and to teach. This year has been far less dictated by time and far more dictated by a rhythm. For those who dismiss the legitimacy of "energy" being a real factor in our daily lives, spend time in a classroom during a full moon. Spend time in a classroom after a gorgeous weekend or after state testing or try teaching Kindergarteners before lunch instead of very last thing of the day. I have learned to be far more aware of the rhythm of my students this year and have let actual time fade to the back burner. Sometimes, like today, the energy of my students throws me off course and I either roll with it or become very grumpy. There is so much empathy involved, flexibility and empathy, flexibility and consistency and empathy in good teaching. Jessica Matthews is a fifth grader, fabulous in drawing and has been diagnosed as obsessive compulsive. Today she came to class after having gone on a field trip to the middle school. She had a complete 5th grade melt down when she could no longer stand her tablemate's sniffling. She was in tears because the noise was so bothersome to her. "How hard is it to just use a tissue?!" I lost my temper with her because she was being really disrespectful, as fifth graders are wont to do, and I realized too late that the whole thing probably had everything to do with feeling anxious about next year and that what I responded to was her behaviour instead of addressing the underlying problem. Better luck next time. A good lesson for me both in how I solve problems in class and in how I deflect unwanted energy. I got all stirred up by a fifth grader's energy. It reminds me of how it easier to catch a cold from a baby because they haven't yet built up the immunities adults have- just because we've lived longer.

a new discovery

i was searching for information on making mobiles yesterday and found this website called Craft, sister magazine to Make. i can't get enough of it, I have been soaking up all I can and finding exciting stuff for when I have my time back. i was thinking while doing dishes that I have alot of projects I'd like to get to. really? I say that, and I also say I should make a list, but a long list is more daunting than exciting and right now one little idea percolating at a time is good enough. jim picked up budget gardening for me at work today- he gets free magazines grab-bag style since he works for one of the largest printers in the world. i think i'm going to cozy in with another magazine filled with more project ideas. you should see my bedside table right now.
shit, i still need to think up an assignment.
ok, in honor of julia cameron take yourself on an artist's date: nobody but you, treating yourself to time that indulges your creative nature. Create a postcard that "advertizes" where you were, interpret any way you see fit.

grateful that i hung out with danny (an ex lover) and didn't make out with him.

pasta with pesto and caramel cupcakes at diana's.

ed ed, love ed at work.

breakfast with liz, so excited she got the job!

nina simone.

oh, and my brother got into catholic! i'm so so happy for him and now he doesn't have to move! so good for him and selfishly so good for me :)

The urge to respond

Very often when I hear something insightful I think "oh, I should send this to _____, this would help them" Only recently have I become aware that the something insightful might be coming to me because I need it, even when I think my only job is to spread the good word. I have had several boyfriends with whom I've done this with no success. People generally don't want to be fixed. It starts when we're two and begin saying things like "I can do it MYSELF" The other day when I read your entry about having no dating prospects and all the anxieties that surround that I wanted so badly to write to you and tell you about how best to solve that problem, but I resisted. Instead I spent the next couple days thinking about what reading your experience meant to me. For one thing it gave me permission to write down my anxieties that lurk. Reading what you'd written also showed me what we do to ourselves when we let try to live in thought without action. It's so easy for me to control all the parts of an experience when I am in charge of manipulating all the parts- even if it's a miserable little scenario I've cooked up at least I'm in control and nothing has really happened? I retreat to my dark cave. I can't say this isn't a necessary step, and even good in cycles, because I always get sick of the pretending at some point and step back into participating actively in my life again. And almost every time I snap out of it with new insights. I wanted so badly to tell you that what you're feeling only exists in your head and to tell you all of the amazing qualities that I see in you, all of which prove without a doubt that you are bound for an immensely fulfilling life in all its aspects (especially in relationships, you gorgeous girl you) but something told me to resist. You can do it for yourself. I think affirming that for you is probably one of the best gifts I can give- I believe in you. Incidently, this probably would have been way more effective with my many boyfriends as well. I don't have to fix people, I have to see them as whole. Including myself.

resisiting the urge...

to comment too much. i'm so glad you wrote all of that down. it's so human to doubt ourselves in these matters, but i look at you and think, of course you are in exactly the right place and you are so talented. but then in the same breath i can doubt myself so much. i dont know why it helps to write it all down, but it really does.

i never responded about going to toronto because i was afraid of disappointing you (but you must have guessed something) but i can't take vacation until the end of my third month. so i couldn't have done it and then you couldn't do it, and it just didn't work. it wasn't it's time, but i think that time could come in the fall if it's right.

he called! we talked on the phone for half an hour tonight with zero awkwardness, lots of laughing, honesty. i was giddy for a while afterwards and did lots of smiling and funny, jerky dancing movements. we are going to see each other on thursday! yea!!!!

i also fell over while doing a headstand in yoga tonight which was so so so embarassing.

work work. i can't even write about it.

grateful: nice phone calls, my m&m cookie, finally feeling comfortable with my boss, kayne west and shakira, messy yoga, chatting with my bro, the red coat that i always feel classy in, excited for memorial day, excited for my date

sexiness plan

If you can type topless, I get the 69th entry.
baby steps for me...

I feel intimidated and I'm embarrassed to admit it. After many versions and revisions of next year's art schedule, I have been placed half time at the elementary school I've been at this year and half of the time at the middle school. It isn't that I'm scared to teach middle school kids, what scares me most is that my skills don't measure up to those of my teaching partner. Another teacher will be taking over where I spent 20% of my time this past year. She'll teach full time there. I have been glad to know I won't be at that school next year (I didn't have alot of respect for the principal and I was there so little that I have felt like a long-term sub) but if this other teacher is there she will surely make my efforts this past year look pitiful. It's hard to see in type how insecure I feel.
My chosen career, and all I believe about myself in this career, forces me to confront major self-doubt. I still feel like the biggest flake- no the biggest chicken, for backing out of Steve's photo shoot. He hasn't written back to me, which I guess is to be expected. What is he going to say? What would I want him to say? We were invited to a wedding that weekend, but what a relief when I realized my booking mistake. I don't have to go show people I respect what my actual skills are with a camera, I don't have to see people I haven't seen since high school and worry about looking cute and happy and successful, I don't have to feel guilty about being out of town for another trip this summer when I sh/could be working. The self-doubt is paralyzing and I feel embarassed for having it. So I type through tears, and beat myself up for being such a downer and all the while a quiet part of myself, way way way in the back of my mind reminds me that I'm still a dear, sweet and well-meaning little human. I still wish I were living bigger and it is becoming clear to me that my self-doubt is what is in the way. I haven't come close to working on the last assignment, I've been putting it off like meditating and eating well because I've been busy acclimating myself to the end of the year at school. The pacing this year has been the trickiest part to get used to. This is an excuse. If I don't make anything to show you then you won't figure out that I'm really not that talented, then you won't wonder to yourself how on earth I managed to get a job teaching art, but everybody knows that those who can't do teach. I tell myself that I'm afraid of what others think, but how could I really know? What I'm really afraid of is what I think others think. What I'm really, really afraid of is not measuring up to the image I hold of what is perfect

rod didn't call today. (isn't it funny that his name is rod?) he probably shouldn't have called, if he was trying to be at all cool about it (which we joked about last night--how neither of us had played it cool). it set me off an a reaction of "well, i dont want to get my hopes up. it's probably not anything. he's probably a creep. wait, did i make him up?"

i talked to molly and gave her this whole spiel, and she said flat out to me "why dont you want this to happen?" and it wasn't until then that i could see that a part of me wants to take a little spark of something good and stamp it out, because i'm afraid of an eventual forrest fire. but you know what, as painful as they are, a forrest fire is a healthy thing. so is green growth.

so i'm ready to leave behind the self-created drama and doubt and declare to the universe in perfect diction that i am ready for a loving, respectful, romantic relationship with a man who thinks i'm just great and i think the same about him. i deserve a relationship that makes me happy and i deserve to be loved and to love someone else for who he is.

of course i am afraid that i will get hurt or change my mind or he will cheat on me or lose interest or embarrassing secrets will come out from my past and he will realize he has gotten the wrong impression of me. etc etc etc. lots of fears. i'm afraid to try to trust and not be able to or trust and then have to put him as another entry on my long list of "intimacy failed."

all that said, i want to reiterate. i'm ready for a wonderful relationship with a man, be it rod or someone else the universe has in mine. i know there is a timing to all things and i dig that. i really do.

i am open and grateful to be at this point. i am also pretty darn happy about the community art center on monday nights, contact sheets, funny bus rides, ed's kindness, pandora, green curry, changing out of my work close, sleep so new on my eyelids. 

i just went on a date! with a good looking man! we had fun! it didn't feel at all awkward! 

why now? probably because i said i was ready for it and the universe has a knack for eavesdropping on comments like this.

so obviously i am grateful for that, but in addition:

the first farmers market of the season...purchases: crunchy asparagus, ginger-cherry scones, pretty red tipped lettuce.  this made a lovely breakfast for the roomies and friends.

being so honest with liz on my bed and crying and picking goddess cards and feeling amazingly present all of a sudden and this carrying on into the evening.

running into seaton (! smith, do you remember him, my co-regi?) on the street and him driving me to my date and it was so natural to see him.

clean laundry, the cuban drummers at the party i went to last night....

i still want to get the pics of from my art project but i can't find my usb cord to download it. i'm also excited to keep working.  do you want to think of the next assignment?

love! i'm giddy!

Papaya for dessert

I have had the tastiest desserts this weekend. Last night, when I was down in Chicago celebrating Mother's Day with my Mom, we went to this italian restaurant where they make all their pasta from scratch and all their ingredients are local. They made a honeyed Panna Cotta with Rhubarb Jam....holy God was it good. Merciful heavens! I have resolved to try making my own, what a delicious experiment that will be. Tonight I carved up the papaya I just bought and one last wedge wouldn't fit in the container so I sprinkled it in lime juice and ate it. I stood over the counter with juice running down my hands. I stood there reveling in my treat, while Jim cleaned out mouse traps at the sink (the no-kill kind) I stood there eating my papaya and watching the back of Jim's head and thinking about how this would not be nearly as exciting a thing to him- he's not a huge papaya fan, and how I wouldn't really want him to share this with me. He feels this way about corn on the cob, let him have that. It's one of the ways I get to be myself within our marriage, the We. Us being different, and that making space between us, makes marriage a whole lot better, more satisfying in my mind. In a couple weeks we will have been married for four years and I feel like I am just now finding the balance between us and me. I used to spend lots of mental energy on what could possibly be a deal-breaker- what is that thing I hadn't noticed before about Jim or that thing I hadn't considered before that will undo us? Numerologically, the forth year is a foundation year. I sort of look at it as the rise of one step. I never did find a deal-breaker and I have (almost completely) stopped looking.
I feel too much like Erma Bombeck.... More in the morning, I have to get into bed.

restoration.

i can't imagine that people could spend time working next to you and not be drawn to being your friend. i understand how you can doubt that yourself, but understand that i see you so differently...

i'm waking up to a messy house that i tried to my hardest to accept last night. i went to restorative yoga after work and it was the gentlest yoga class i had ever been to, just breathing and being aware and subtle stretches. i felt high when i left and came home flying high on this energy. 

when we first moved in, our house was the happiest place to come home to. then boys entered the picture. molly has been dating dave for about two months now and they are very much in love. they are so in love that when we are all in a room together, they only look into each other's eyes and make out and don't leave room for another person in the conversation. i went out to join them on the porch and then waited by myself and then entertained molly's friend from out of town while they made out in his car. in the shower, i realized how hard i've been trying to fight feeling sad about losing molly in my life, that she says she misses me and then makes no effort to include me in anything when we are all together. it's so out of character for her (in peru, she was the most supportive person i knew who always dropped everything to be with me when i needed her) and i know this is probably good for her to be so selfish, but i have emotions about it.

liz has been dating umberto for a few weeks and she cried the other night because he called her hours after he said he would. he doesn't want his friends to know they are going out. last night they had plans to hang out and at 10pm he invited her to a party and said he would be there in five minutes. she scrambled to get ready while he waited in the car. i actually like umberto, but i do not like seeing liz this way.

and then there is me.  it seems like i meet guys when i go out. i got asked out twice the other day and there is a younger teacher who keeps coming by my office to visit me. i think he has a crush. i realized after getting asked out by the guy on the bike with his initials branded on his shoulder that i dont trust men who are attracted to me, which true and sad and based on experience. do i not want to date someone because i am afraid of being hurt? swept away? unbalanced? did marco hurt me so badly that i can't be with someone else? is there something in me that in unlovable? is there too much judgement of myself? is the judgement i have about my friend's relationships really the judgement i have about myself? if so, how do we get passed this?

i said goodbye to my mom on thursday night and then received a phone call from her at work on friday telling me that her and my grandmother had gotten into a huge fight on the way to the airport. when i think of issues in our family (and there are a few) i think of the way my grandmother has lived her life--wanting, insecure, attention-hungry, thinks everyone has it better than her, shallow--and that she raised my mom her whole life without telling her she loved her, or hugging her, or complimenting her (the fact that my mother has raised me as well as she has is a miracle. my mom is a strong woman)--all this has been such a trend passed down and i feel it come up as my pain body. having all the generations together for my mom's visit was a clear message to me that if i keep going the way i have been going then i will end up the way my grandmother is (hopefully not my mom...it's there in her but she works so hard against it).

 the fight was when my mother confronted her about all of this. she called me from the airport feeling horrible and i told her i was proud of her for saying something. sometimes when the situation is so complicated, all we can do is bring it up and hope that this awareness will change something.

i get afraid of the weight of history. i get afraid that i have too many issues to get through. i get afraid that i am destined to be a certain way. i get afraid of the amount of work it takes to work through something. i get afraid that my conditioning has been too strong. i get afraid that instead of making changes, i spend my whole life living with the identity "i'm about to make a change and i need space to do this" and this identity takes me away from people. i get afraid that maybe nothing is wrong (probably, right?).

but then i see how much i have grown in my life. i always look back at healing my eating disorder as proof that change is possible, but it does take time and this last week was a doozy and i got through it. 

today i'm going to clean the kitchen to make breakfast and then go out to bellydancing and wander back here and go see a huge community art show with my friend eric. i need this weekend to be restorative the way balm falls upon a fresh wound. 

growing up, making friends

Megan is one of the teachers in the art department in my district. She's around my age, one of two teachers close to my age, and I had assigned her an identity in my mind. I tagged her a type-A person with drawing skills far superior to mine, hence there was no sense in trying to befriend her. I asked her for some advice today, because that's an acceptable way to interact with people who you've decided are better than you. She was very helpful, but most of the time we talked about stuff you talk about with friends- weird because why would someone as perfectly put together as Megan want to talk to me? What a fucking headcase I can be! What a waste of brainspace that is! She invited me to her boyfriend's graduation party tomorrow night and suggested we get together over the summer so I can teach her photography stuff and she can teach me painting stuff. Om Mitraya Namaha. Like it or not, I have been drawing friendship to myself so I'll just have to make room for it in my consciousness. Sara is the other teacher who is close to my age and is also a great person with friend potential. Suck it up and be a friend, Harper. I'm getting better little by little but I sure do appreciate the gentle votes of confidence from the universe.

Bedtime
sweet photo of Granny Franny and me
a fun night of Indiana Jones with Andy and Jean
surprise plants popping up in the garden
sweet-smelling crabapple trees
sun
successful coil pots
lovely still lives
El Rey tamales

the friend

Sexuality is something I feel squeemish about. I don't know how to do it, how to behave or feel sexy. I know I've said this before, but I've always seen myself as "the friend". I think I took it on in middle school when I had a crush on Harry Whitmore and he decided to confide in me that he had a crush on Nicole Nechtow and would I give him some advice on how to ask her out? It was so Teen Witch. Top that, stop that.
I can see snakes representing sexuality and femininity, and my fear of its unpredictability. Snakes can make sudden moves and they're hard to read, I think that's part of what freaks me out. I still have no idea what it means, what my answer is. This morning I pulled a Sacred Spirit card, mine centered on asking the big questions of yourself. The Bear spirit accompanies this card which gives courage to the one seeking answers. The courage to look within for big answers...sounds like a running leap to me.
On another note, I feel as though I am running on empty at school. I have so little motivation, none of the lessons interest me. It could certainly be that I'm hormonal and that the kids are noticeably ready to be done with school and that lots of little end-of-the-year wrap-up stuff is beginning to circulate plus an all-school art show, but I can't maintain this feeling of dragging myself through the day for four more weeks of school. I'll go nuts. Must...finish...strong.

typing topless

my bellydance instructor has been talking about snakes as a representation of our indwelling feminity, sexuality--also kundalini yoga talks about snakes i believe. adam and eve...knowledge...there is a lot there. i'm afraid of rats, what does that symbolize? hidden things, sneakiness, the underbelly. yeah, i'm afraid of all of those things, admitting that not everything is perfect.

i'm having a funny, loose night of quirky honesty that started in the car with my mom when i started talking about the way i have been feeling with molly lately. i usually have a hard time telling my mom about what i really think, especially when it leaves me vunerable, but i just really needed to talk about how i feel like i am just always following a step behind her, cleaning up her messes while she gets all the attention. which makes me examine how my identity is tied up in being organized and dependable while other people get noticed and how i resent this. there is no mistake that this is coming up right now. this is coming up because it needs to be felt and talked about and the shame needs to be taken away from feeling jealous and feeling needy and wanting something you can't have. everyone feels this way and i feel this way and it's okay. it doesn't mean i don't love molly. it means i love her enough to run the gamut with my emotions.

talkative at home and so quiet at work. it's hard for me to raise my voice and be myself right away. my elemtnary school shyness comes through and i look around to see how other people are acting. do i make too much eye contact? not enough? am i too engaged? too aloof? people always like molly right away--what would molly do? what would my mother do--am i following in her footsteps? should i be honest or fake confidence when i am so overwhelmed? my boss took me out to a fancy restaurant for lunch with his secretary and i wished i could enjoy the food more, but i was nervous. for what? i want people to like me. i want to make a good impression. i want to fit in. i want to have friends, be loved, prove that i am valuable and that i have changed. the normal human stuff. as a result i am such a perfectionist who starts to edit something before i speak. i hate it that my boss has to ask me to repeat myself so often. i'm shy and i don't want to be shy and that makes it even worse.

i wish i could speak up and show people how funny i am. but this comes with time...i know that about myself. it takes me a little time to make a friend and then they are a friend for a long time. everything always works out. i always find my niche. i always do work that is meaningful and move to the next opportunity. i always learn and change and walk away a different person and think well of it. yet the fear that i will fail...where does that come from? its so unfounded, yet such a pattern in my thinking.

awareness is key. honesty is key. write. it. all. down. pray for openness. feel it. you are never alone. there is a plan. you have exactly what you need. just pay attention. you are not flawed. you are more whole than you can imagine. hold this like you would cradle a tiny baby. it's that precious.

i am grateful for my mother's listening, going out for a fancy lunch just for the sound of it, radical self-acceptance, pandora, laura, my new office with a window and a pigeon friend visitor, working on my art project...being alive.

Living bigger

I was just looking at my treasure map that I made a few months ago. I hadn't made one in a long time but something that Jim was studying suggested it and I joined in. I cut out alot of stuff, trying not to censor myself, and in the end I have a few major themes- self-love and creativity, community and friendship, world travel. There is a tiny photo of a man and woman running in swim suits towards the end of pier. It makes me nervous when I look at it, part of why I put it in the middle of my map (surrounded by words like " Love is all you need" and "find your happy place") It makes no difference to my eye that it's a small photo, because I notice it almost immediately. I've read that a body of water symbolizes life, and just recently I heard Joseph Campbell interpret a body of water as our unconscious. I want to start living bigger and this photo is my kind of "having a great time, wish you were here" postcard. I don't yet know what living bigger actually looks like.
I am afraid of snakes. We were touring the countryside in the Dominican Republic when one of the local farmers offered up his prized python for everyone on the tour to pass around and pose with. Before I even had a thought, I was sobbing. It felt like I had two minds working; one was thinking about how to be gracious and not offend the farmer or take anything away from the experience for the other tourists, the other was consumed with a racing heart, sweaty palms and an amazing amount of tears. Once when I was dating Keven, he pointed out a small gardener snake on a nature trail and I promptly climbed to the top of my then boyfriend. Joseph Campbell says the snake in mythology represents life or the indwelling life force. I don't want to be afraid of life. OK, the symbolism only works out if I accept it, but the idea has stuck with me so it's reasonable to think that it might hold some truth for me. What am I afraid of? I think I'll have to meditate on this a while, I don't yet have an answer, but I do think it's an important next step for me. This timidity is showing up in my work and in my art- a wall I'm butting up against. I don't know what I'm getting myself into, but I'm willing to give it my attention. I'd love to be somebody who could take a running leap.

i was hoping to get up early and meditate, but sleep won. when sleep wins, you know you don't have a choice, but i thought i could dash off a couple of thoughts before work.

what is going on in me is so interesting right now. i'm obviously under a lot of stress due to starting a new job which i was not qualified for when i was hired and now am oddly expected to know how to do (although i do think i will be a very good grants writer because a grant is organized like how my brain likes to travel). i almost reached a break-down moment yesterday when they told me i would have to give up my office a few days a week so they could do some testing with the kids. the result is that i threw a fit, said something slightly offensive to my boss, we both got upset with each other, he pulled a few strings and got me a new, quieter office (with a window!), and i felt more comfortable around him...

anyway, that is not the most interesting part. ever since leaving my other job last week, i've been noticing that a lot of negativity is coming up in me...about myself, my mom, molly, working. it's difficult because the emotion is so strong, but the amazing part is that i have never felt so detached from it. i have this strong inner knowing that it's moving through me, and not me, and i am not compounding it by wrestling over it or feeling guilty. my face has been really, really broken out too (have you ever heard of the louise hay theory that zits are unexpressed anger coming up?), and i feel almost giddy about it...like, let's get this shit up and out. when i wake up in the morning, i feel clean.

it's a slight shift in perception, but it's powerful and like everything, i don't know where it is going but it's so pleasant to see a change. i really do think that this blog, having a place to tell the truth, has been very important in my fun-loving, truth-seeking, moving away from repression to a new model journey.

have a open day! 

day two.

it was by no means easy, but i feel more human than i did yesterday. i think that even by tomorrow or thursday, i will be able to put something together creatively. 

happy: yoga class, molly, acceptance, m&m cookie, accepting my parents, messiness, jarabe de palo, accepting a bad mood as much as a good one, understanding myself, ed's quietness, sleep.

eeek.

i started my new job and i am so drained of everything right now. i wish i could type more, but this transition is difficult and i need sleep.

simply:

1. i am grateful for you harper for constantly supporting and inspiring me.
2. honesty.
3. riding my bike home.
4. picking goddess cards with liz before work.
5. for getting into the darkroom for the first time in too long.

love.

show pony

I spoke at the school board meeting tonight on behalf of the district art department. They have delegated art teachers' scheduling to someone with no experience or interest in the job and so our schedules suck for next year. As it stands, I'll be traveling between three schools each week. Everybody in the department has serious concerns about the scheduling, but no one was willing to speak- I mean everyone said they were scared of speaking. Once again, thank you YOU. Give me a mic and I'm a regular show pony! Before YOU I was very, very shy. now not.
I am digging deep to finish this school year strong. I really don't want it all to peter out, but it's hard not to set my focus on the summer.... I've got to come up with some fun stuff with which my students can finish up the year. What were your favorites?
I'm looking forward to hearing your assignment story. Mine is sort of funny too- I said I was going to get the scanner from Jim's Dad and then I forgot. Instead he brought it over last night, out of the blue. Check that off my list...!

Special thanks to...

Key lime pie - really easy recipe in the back of Real Simple this month
my new red shoes
hostas placed on the curb, just waiting for their new home in my back yard
the perfect amount of clay this morning so all of my first graders could make a pinch pot
A fantasically supportive principal
An inspiring and pro-active group of colleagues

it's been a rainy day filled with mothers and fathers and so much food.

i really was happy to spend the day with family even through my warts and all hangover.

"young at heart" is brilliant and energetic.

my dad was happier and kinder than i have seen him in a long time. i'm not sure what brought about this change, but it just occured to me that it could be because i am letting him be in my thoughts and by chance, could this be a reflection?

delicious mexican feast cooked by my father's rock star wife, jennie.

my mom who is brave and kind and fun.

i'm excited and nervous and everything about tomorrow but i have such a good feeling about it. another first day at school!

there is a fun way that my assignment from this week has come together but i will save that for tomorrow.

Patterns

Yesterday was a crabby sort of day for me, peppered with candy. It started out rocky with two classes of Kindergarteners who were really done with school, just totally checked out. The rest of the day really wasn't too bad, just little things irritating me (repetitive noises, a certain perfume....) By the end of the day I really was feeling OK, plus Priscilla and Kyle were on their way up from Chicago. I was going to finish up some lesson planning and head home with enough time to clean the house a little. Then Tim's Mom came to find me. Tim's Mom is Bi-Polar, and I learned later that she was probably in a manic cycle when she came to "speak" with me. Tim had just been in my last 4th grade class and she dragged him down to apologize to me for his behavior in class. It's such a long and involved story, not at all worth repeating but in a nutshell she spewed rotten amped-up energy at me, in a stairwell, with girlscouts walking by, while I attempted to apply my best "I hear you" and "I understand that you" statements. I finally said I'm not going to continue this conversation with you here, but I would be happy to take it to the principal's office. She told me she'd speak to the principal without me and stormed off. The whole time I was trying to get myself to step back from the situation and let it happen, but I still left the experience feeling shaky all over. I felt like crying, but I think it was just because of the energy in my system. I didn't feel any guilt about the situation, I didn't take on any of what she was accusing.
It's so interesting that this should come up just as I'd been thinking about my Dad and his temper. It was the same kind of wild, baseless shouting. I think one of the best things my Mom taught me was that I didn't have to accept being talked to that way, that I should be able to talk to my Dad, to anyone I love about they way they treat me. And I did. I think the subtle difference that made was an awareness in me is that I am still who I am no matter what gets thrown at me, that just because someone calls me a name doesn't make that my name. I think yesterday was one more reflection on what I really believe, about myself, about the job I'm doing as a teacher, and building my confidence and self-trust is like a daily vitamin.
Speaking of vitamins, I started taking pre-natal vitamins. Again.

can i break the heart talk rules and just respond right here? actually i dont know why i am asking, because i am just going to do it anyways :)

i've struggled so much with dad issues. growing up, my dad had a really volatile temper. i remember getting yelled at for: spilling lemonade in his bed, not knowing the right highway to take to my mom's boyfriends vacation home when i was about 8,  for kissing him right before some olympic event, for stating that i was pro-choice and not wavering when he tried to debate me out of it, for being messy, for stepping on his books on tape container

i can't remember what he was yelling at me for once but i was in his kitchen crying and he started shaming me for crying...

my weekends at his house consisted of us eating too much food and going to parks and me having nightmares and climbing into bed with him. i had a really hard time sleeping when i was younger. i felt like if i closed my eyes for a second, something bad would come for me. 

i worried a lot about him too. my brother and i would get big eyes when one of us would tell the other..."do you know dad lost his house, car, teeth?" i remember how we couldn't talk about it when all of his teeth started falling out. i felt embarrassed in front of my friends and then immediately guilty.  

my dad still snaps at me more than i would like and i still react, but overall, he's a lot calmer than he used to be. this is due to his wife, who is a godsent. 

yet i still carry a lot of this around with me. it's a heavy past. as eckart tolle says, i have a heavy pain body, and the only thing that's going to lighten my load is light, as in consciousness. writing about it helps. knowing that you go through it too helps a lot. 

how do you accept pain in a culture that tells you that to admit to feeling pain is a great sin? slowly? with patience? because i really don't have a choice. because i know it's right in a way i dont understand.

rainy day and i ate too much with my family. i dont know if it was the weather or just processing from my day off or an active painbody but i felt low energy and had to work hard to stay conscious. 

now i'm off to sleep... thank you.

but first:

1. lunch with some classy ladies in my family.

2. eckart and oprah were my best friends today.

3. doing all the laundry--the house looks great.

4. sleep, sleepy acceptance.

5. right now.

handle ya business

I don't remember what sitcom that's from, but it popped into my head and fits my day perfectly. Maybe it was the Cosby Show? I just remember someone imitating some squirrely crazy person as they said it. I just got off the phone with Priscilla, who was finishing up another hour of driving through traffic (which she hates) and has yet to eat dinner. I don't have to describe how the conversation went. And I hung up and said "argh!" out loud. But why? I wasn't having a bad night. I wasn't even having a mildly irritating night. It's funny you mentioned becoming aware of the experience in front of you and just allowing/watching without having to engage. Did we both read the same Ekhart Tolle page today? Really, I just picked it up again today after having out it down for a while. I have many, many books on my bedstand right now. It's become silly. But while I was waiting for the beets to be ready, I read a few pages of Tolle's book. By the way, I am definitely planting beets again this year- they are the most beautiful things I've ever grown and then eaten. I want to get better at how I discipline my students as I understand it through Tolle's ideas. I want to be less emotionally stirred when I give my students consequences. It just seems so droid-like. Maybe it's because I can't visualize what it would look like. One day when I was about nine or ten my Dad took me to the optometrist for an appointment. I had walked home from school and he was going to come home from work to get me. He called to tell me he was on his way and that I should be ready when he pulled up. He pulled up and I couldn't find my key. We kept it in the mailbox so I could get in after school and I must have set it down somewhere but I couldn't find it by the time my Dad pulled up. Now, today I would have run out to the car and explained that I just needed to find my key and I'd be right out, but I didn't do that. I was panicked that I wasn't ready on time and so I just kept looking. My Dad burst in screaming and the part I remember clearly, the part I clearly need to let go "why don't you know where your goddamn key is are you fucking retarded?" It's so strange to see that written because it could so easily describe a total trailer trash, deadbeat Dad and my Dad was not. He did explode, from calm to furious in a snap. He would get equally mad if I drank the last of the juice and didn't rinse the pitcher (even though a neat freak he is certainly not, and I think you're picking up what I'm putting down). Holy Daddy monologue.... yes, I have issues with anger and the appropriateness of emotions. It is easy for me to light into my students like my Dad did, but I don't. I do want to be honest about my emotions though, I think it's important for kids to see how adults handle emotion. I also think kids need to be given boundaries. Boundaries and showing real emotion with kids are not strengths that I observe in the parents of my students. I know it's a huge generalization. I aslo realize that most of what I'm writing is external, my reaction to external experience- something I started this note by saying I am beginning to understand. Maybe it's better to say I'm beginning to twirl the idea around in my head. My ego. My, it's time for bed again.

i'm grateful for all of the sweet emails and hugs and goodbyes i got from even the most unexpected characters at work. i felt like my time there had been important to me, even if i don't understand why now.  chatting with kim at the grocery story, cooking dinner with jimmy and giggling about killing the most noble cow ever, have a new piece of understanding about our job as consciousness being to just feel what is there without changing it, reading on the metro, sweet goodbyes with everyone, cheese enchiladas for lunch, being brave enough to not go out when i felt like i should but didn't want to, patience, tenthousand villages, obama's victory, amani, 

it made me really happy to read your gratitudes. so you could say that i am grateful that you are grateful. i am also grateful for cooking dinner with my mom, looking at pictures from peru with liz and umberto and them seeing the same wonderfulness that i saw in ivan, yoga, chocolate brownies from whole foods, my high-waisted skirt, "the known world," falling into a rhythm at work, loving my hot body, feeling sexy for some reason...

the last weekend in june would be best for me. how many days were you thinking?

9:21, time to turn in

I'm looking forward to climbing into my freshly made bed.
I enjoyed my free burrito immensely.
Jim and I were dubbed most fun to play video games with by my friend, Andy.
I got a really sweet little note that made my day and validates a whole year.
I finally got to wear flip flops today, sporting my favorite nail polish "Midnight in Moscow"
In about a month I'll have a whole summer ahead of me.

Sweet dreams til sunbeams find you.

1. i am grateful for yoga and how it clears my head even in the messiest of moments. today i was in a really challenging posture and a part of me wanted to give up, but i had the very strong idea that i had committed myself to being there and that i was just going to feel the pain and get stronger.

2. i am grateful for laughing with liz.

3. i am grateful for being so honest with ya harper and for the freedom that gives me in all parts of my life

4. i am grateful for my room, my house, all of my families.

5. i am grateful for awareness.

ps i did a quick check for tix to toronto and it looks like $500 from here. i'll do more searching tomorrow when i'm at work.  how many days are you thinking? sweet dreams harper...

I will

I've been wanting to scan my all of my film to CD so that I can make use of it more easily. It seems like an odious task, but I do look forward to the reading-old-journals aspect of it. Jim's Dad has a film scanner that he doesn't use, so my first task that I will commit to is getting the scanner and installing it at home. I plan on nibbling at this all summer. Maybe my treat to myself when I'm done will be my own show somewhere...

part II

create an artistic representation of an image you have of yourself that ultimately causes you to suffer. then, artistically, smash it to pieces and make something out of it that causes you to feel joy.

assignment. part I.

choose a long-term assignment that you really want to get done, but have been procrastinating. describe what it is you want to do and commit yourself to working on it each week, and being supported in your efforts.

today, ten things.

1. i am grateful for the honest prayers in church this morning.

2. i am grateful for the massage molly gave me and for being able to be honest with her about feeling jealous and how to move with that feeling.

3. i am grateful that i had lunch with my mom and brother today. i am so happy she is here, warts and all.

4. i am grateful for yummy mexican tapas.

5. i am grateful to taking a hard moment and making something beautiful out of it.

6. i am grateful for feeling like i was in latin america again at the festival.

7. i am grateful for my sundress and floppy hat.

8. i am grateful for a good night's sleep.

9. i am grateful for the play, which was compelling and well-acted.

10. i am grateful for feeling like i am on the right track.

"i got this close" or "butterfingers"

i got this close to really thinking i was past all of my issues, and then my mom came back from china. and then we went to a play.

after the play, my mom and i were standing around, waiting for my aunt and uncle. all of a sudden, i heard someone say "nancy" and it was sheldon, the father of my childhood friend jenny. we were best friends in elementary school, partially because our parents were dating and more because we dominated the after-school program, SACC. jenny was bossy and i went along with her. and then for reasons i can't remember (maybe when i changed schools) we weren't friends anymore. i hadn't thought about her in years.

her dad looked at me and first commented on how tall i was, then asked what i had been doing, my brother. my mom explained about her time in china. i inquired about jenny and her brother. it had the makings of a slightly-awkward meeting of old friends trying to catch up in a minute or two. i was ready to say goodbye when sheldon looked at me and said, "you really look great. i mean, i'm really impressed. i remember once when jenny told me that you had eaten a pat of butter at a restaurant. it's funny but that has always been the thing i remembered about you."

then he left and my mouth was still hanging open. did he seriously just say that? i turned to my mom and aunt and uncle and said, "so all this time he was thinking i was a butter-eater?" what gives him the right to say that to me in front of other people?" my mom responded by asking me if i really had eaten the butter.

the answer is probably. when i was a kid, particularly around that time, i had some pretty strange eating habits. when i was five and my parents got divorced, i began eating to comfort myself, usually the foods that they wouldn't let me have, and usually foods that had a lot of fat in them. butter, bowls of melted cheese...i even used to suck on the paper towels that absorbed the grease from the bacon we cooked in the microwave. one time before my brother's boys scout box-car derby/potluck, my mom made potato salad with bacon in it and i made myself sick to the point of vomiting from ingesting bacon grease. i remember hiding the paper towels under my bed, right next to my mom's copy of "the joy of sex."

i also remember being reprimanded by a close family friend at one of my father's parties from cutting myself a large chunk of butter for a biscuit. "oh let her eat it," his brother said. "but she's gonna give herself a heart attack at age 7," he responded. this is crystal clear in my mind.

obviously there is a lot of shame about this in my mind. this does not seem like something a normal child would have done. i have spent many years of my life thinking that i could never, ever, ever tell anyone these deep, dark secrets. it's only recently that i have begun to look back into my life to see how hard that must have been for 5 year-old me, trying to navigate how life was going to work now that her angry father and alcoholic mother were not going to live in the same house.

i ate to comfort myself at this time. i ate because it was how i knew how to get attention, and how to shield myself from dealing with a lot of pain when i did not have anything or anyone to guide me through it. i still can't quite explain my choice of foods. this would be easier to write if i had just hoarded candy bars or potato chips (although i did binge on those things as well at different points) i might have eaten butter to rebel against my mother's food restrictions or maybe my growing body just craved fat. even today, after almost four years of a having a healthy relationship with food (thank you god), i still need to eat a lot of fat to feel full. of course, today this means avocados and peanut butter and bread drizzled with olive oil (again, thank god).

i have the fear that if someone were to hear all of this, they would be disgusted and not love me anymore. while i was traveling in bolivia, i had a very nice romance with a terribly, terribly sexy french-swiss man who told me over and over how absolutely beautiful i am and mentioned how much he wanted to see pictures of me as a child, to see how beautiful i was then. this made me feel anxious. like if he saw how i used to be, then he wouldn't love me in the present. i know this is in my head, and that it's mainly because of my own perceptions of what is acceptable to do and talk about. after a week of not feeling guilty (or rather noticing how often my impulse is to feel guilty), i'm feeling brave. i'm ready laugh at myself about my crooked childhood. i'm ready to recognize that all of that hardness is what makes me the honest, compassionate individual that i am now. the truth is that being an overweight child with a compulsive eating problem was not fun. now i'm hoping to make it funny. i'm ready to not be ashamed anymore.

haha, i used to eat butter as a child, and it's actually really funny that this man would carry that memory over so many years, just waiting to drop it and bring up shit from my past. later on, i thought i should have responded that the only thing i could remember about him was what a terrible temper he had and how his bald head would get bright red when he would scream at his kids or when he cut the tip of his own finger off while trimming bushes and drove himself to the hospital with jenny and i in the backseat, swearing all the way....

but somethings aren't appropriate for casual conversation. unless, karmically, you are ready to hear them and use them creatively.

one last story about butter. when i was running for student council in high school, my friend lindsey helped me to make campaign posters using ani difranco lyrics and black-and-white photographs. one of my favorites said, "gracy likes butterflies, but she'd love to be your school representative." a few days after i put the posters up, my friend emily ran over to me holding the poster. "you've been vandalized," she said, laughing. someone, a little punk kid who later on got tuberculosis, had put white-out of the "flies" part. "gracy loves butter." it said. i was horrified. i laughed. i hoped no one had seen it.

it's the truth though, i love butter. i cannot tell a lie.

If I have to live by a story, I might as well make it good

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dhVTgDKs3l4

p.s.

i love byron katie!

because oprah said so.

our stories, interesting. the fact that we can write new ones when the old ones get stagnant, fascinating. 

there is something that happens to me when i get around my mom...i start to really trust myself. i noticed this when she came to visit in peru and when i went to visit her in china. it feels so good to not question so much, to be so present, to feel grown up and not take things personally. i am grateful for this.

i am grateful for the wonderful meeting with sandra from life with cancer and the possibility of doing a phototherapy program this summer for people living with cancer. i have been praying for service and this has come up so beautifully.

i am grateful for...i don't know, springtime i suppose, and change, and coming home to a house of people.

i am grateful for sitting with emotions on the metro and letting myself feel the intricacies of loving someone but knowing you can never possess them or feeling angry at someone for doing something i have done.

i am grateful for food in a time when so many people this world are worrying about food. i feel bad being grateful when there is lack, for celebrating abundance when people are starving, but nothing starts from guilt, i know this.  i know it because oprah told me. 

Our stories

I am beginning to recognize that we are all driven by our stories, and am grateful for this awakening.
I am aware that it has come time to forgive and I am grateful for being given the tools and the experiences to help me do just that.
I feel comforted and also enlightened to learn that we share collective stories, that this path I'm traveling has been well-worn and if I don't have the answers I can be sure that they are out there.
I am living in a really, very big world and I have much left to learn. I'm young so I have plenty of time.

PS- I think you'd find Joseph Campbell's The Power of Myth interesting- documentary by Bill Moyers. I was also just turned on to Byron Katie and am very intrigued.