I wore one of them tonight. I only went to a friend's house, but baby steps. It's red. When I put it on I felt pretty, kinda sexy I guess, but then I looked in the mirror at myself and the first thing I thought of was how much it looks like a shirt I had when I was three. I could see that photo of me in it: sitting in the kitchen on the yellow linoleum and licking chocolate pudding from a huge spoon. I suppose today if I sat on the floor in my new red shirt and licked a spoon that could possibly be sexy, but I just don't think of myself that way. I'd like to.
It's a confidence thing. Someone who is sexy wields far more power than I think I ought to have. I think the fear of snakes is in there somewhere. I'm not buying Freud's theory, but I started this class in spiral dynamics and it talks about the evolution of consciousness being like the human evolution, and how we begin at this very base/primal stage (loosely like Maslow's hierarchy) and how we carry certain strengths with us into the next stage of consciousness and it got me thinking that maybe I have been ignoring that aspect of myself. Maybe I'm so out of practice that this aspect of myself scares me. Now that I see it spelled out it makes sense to me.
So what to do about it? How does one get in touch with their primal self?
This weekend I'm going to try a little experiment in thinking less and relying on instinct more. I have no idea what my experiments will entail, but I know I could use more instinct in my life.
I trust my instincts and commit to looking within for my answers!
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