i'm waking up to a messy house that i tried to my hardest to accept last night. i went to restorative yoga after work and it was the gentlest yoga class i had ever been to, just breathing and being aware and subtle stretches. i felt high when i left and came home flying high on this energy.
when we first moved in, our house was the happiest place to come home to. then boys entered the picture. molly has been dating dave for about two months now and they are very much in love. they are so in love that when we are all in a room together, they only look into each other's eyes and make out and don't leave room for another person in the conversation. i went out to join them on the porch and then waited by myself and then entertained molly's friend from out of town while they made out in his car. in the shower, i realized how hard i've been trying to fight feeling sad about losing molly in my life, that she says she misses me and then makes no effort to include me in anything when we are all together. it's so out of character for her (in peru, she was the most supportive person i knew who always dropped everything to be with me when i needed her) and i know this is probably good for her to be so selfish, but i have emotions about it.
liz has been dating umberto for a few weeks and she cried the other night because he called her hours after he said he would. he doesn't want his friends to know they are going out. last night they had plans to hang out and at 10pm he invited her to a party and said he would be there in five minutes. she scrambled to get ready while he waited in the car. i actually like umberto, but i do not like seeing liz this way.
and then there is me. it seems like i meet guys when i go out. i got asked out twice the other day and there is a younger teacher who keeps coming by my office to visit me. i think he has a crush. i realized after getting asked out by the guy on the bike with his initials branded on his shoulder that i dont trust men who are attracted to me, which true and sad and based on experience. do i not want to date someone because i am afraid of being hurt? swept away? unbalanced? did marco hurt me so badly that i can't be with someone else? is there something in me that in unlovable? is there too much judgement of myself? is the judgement i have about my friend's relationships really the judgement i have about myself? if so, how do we get passed this?
i said goodbye to my mom on thursday night and then received a phone call from her at work on friday telling me that her and my grandmother had gotten into a huge fight on the way to the airport. when i think of issues in our family (and there are a few) i think of the way my grandmother has lived her life--wanting, insecure, attention-hungry, thinks everyone has it better than her, shallow--and that she raised my mom her whole life without telling her she loved her, or hugging her, or complimenting her (the fact that my mother has raised me as well as she has is a miracle. my mom is a strong woman)--all this has been such a trend passed down and i feel it come up as my pain body. having all the generations together for my mom's visit was a clear message to me that if i keep going the way i have been going then i will end up the way my grandmother is (hopefully not my mom...it's there in her but she works so hard against it).
the fight was when my mother confronted her about all of this. she called me from the airport feeling horrible and i told her i was proud of her for saying something. sometimes when the situation is so complicated, all we can do is bring it up and hope that this awareness will change something.
i get afraid of the weight of history. i get afraid that i have too many issues to get through. i get afraid that i am destined to be a certain way. i get afraid of the amount of work it takes to work through something. i get afraid that my conditioning has been too strong. i get afraid that instead of making changes, i spend my whole life living with the identity "i'm about to make a change and i need space to do this" and this identity takes me away from people. i get afraid that maybe nothing is wrong (probably, right?).
but then i see how much i have grown in my life. i always look back at healing my eating disorder as proof that change is possible, but it does take time and this last week was a doozy and i got through it.
today i'm going to clean the kitchen to make breakfast and then go out to bellydancing and wander back here and go see a huge community art show with my friend eric. i need this weekend to be restorative the way balm falls upon a fresh wound.
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