"once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit." e.e. Cummings
I have been missing writing. The feeling is something like putting a thing in a good spot and then forgetting where that is, then figuring if it's in such a good spot it ought to turn up sometime. It appears I am describing laziness. I have wanted to write but the drive hasn't been overpowering enough.
I keep thinking I ought to be keeping a journal of my pregnancy, noting all the physical and emotional feelings and all the little conversations Jim and I have. I just haven't. but I should. I have also wanted to take pictures of my belly as it grows- so far I have one at 14 weeks. Well, that's not true, I have one taken after I took the pregnancy test in France, and then any picture of me from the summer could be considered 8 weeks-ish...
I overwhelm myself with all of my self-made expectations. It makes me brittle when I have to take direction from anyone else and it permits me to idolize people. It also makes me inactive, stymied.
But that's blessed unrest in a way isn't it, the grit in the pearl. You deal with being uncomfortable just long enough to get to the OH ALRIGHT! stage and then you do something worthy. I am writing now, OK?? And I like it, feels good.
Tonight, right after I make cream of tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches from scratch (America's Test Kitchen, of course) I will clean off my work table, turn on my music and get busy making art. Damnit. Afterwards, I write about it.

It was such a surprise blessing to remember our blog today, especially just after the Awakening The Dreamer symposium that was here in town this weekend. Your last post was a welcomed reminder of what it feels like to live the same life but in an awakened state. Since my first visit to the doctor, when it was proven for sure that I was pregnant (I don't know, I still had this idea that maybe I was making it up) I have been in my own world, like this dream that prevents me from finding anything else interesting. It is such an exciting thing, but also so immense and I think I am working at fathoming exactly what's happening. When school started, and even now, I felt like I was just winging it. I had nowhere near the overwhelming drive to be the greatest teacher ever, like I had last year. At first this really upset me, as recently as this morning actually. I felt like I was failing, I was being irresponsible and flaking out of my responsibility to work- to a place at which I've worked really hard to arrive, but if I think back to the habitual ball of nerves I was last year I think I'm grateful for a shift in priorities that has shifted my perspective a bit. And for the record, I don't think any of my peers would call me a deadbeat teacher at school. I am completely at the whim of my physicality in being pregnant, that's one of the first things I figured out. I am wakened at all hours of the night to pee, I am wakened in the wee hours of the morning feeling starved, I am ravenous one minute then stuffed to the gills the next and then ravenous half and hour later, I am incredibly gassy. I have passed the phase of being sensitive to smells, but let me tell you: a Roman subway in the summer is not the place to be when you're in this state. This feeling of being so firmly planted in what my body wants has ended up being another enlightening- I can only do what I can do, which is all I've ever been capable of but maybe didn't really understand before now. I can't be a perfect art teacher. I can do the best I can do, and maybe that's all that has ever been expected of me. Well of course it is! It's even cliche! What a gift it has turned out to be to realize my limitations. That sounds so wrong. Maybe it makes more sense to say I am learning that my desire for perfection was more limiting than what I can actually attain.
The photos included here were taken Friday, at 14 weeks. The first is a close up in profile of the bean's head and tummy, the second one is yoga in utero- a bit of a downward facing dog pose with rump in the the air and legs tucked under, the third is another profile of the whole bean.

sunday hangover

i drank too much cheap beer last night at a rock and roll show, and was so sad to be saying goodbye to my good friend emily who is heading off to law school.

i also have been helping lindsey get emotionally ready for her wedding. i think she's a pretty zen bride--she actually scheduled some meditation time with me right before her ceremony--but she's having her moments. we spent the day yesterday eating caloric food (she's trying to put on a few to fill out her dress--the opposite problems for most brides but equally frustrating i see) and outlet shopping with constant conversation about meditation and awareness and the choice to live in or outside "the matrix." she's such an old friend and i was so happy to have a full day to spend with her (she's currently living in hawaii and was going through culture shock that was oh so familiar to me).

and you're big news! i'm still so excited and curious about how you must be feeling (please do give details/emotions/etc!).

it seems that everyone is in the midst of big transitions right now. i feel like my photography studio is a big change, but that's still a ways a way. right now i am enjoying the idea that i could be the stable one for once. i feel settled, not exceedingly, but solidly.

i think meditation is helping me so much these days to keep my head about me--awareness heals everything or rather shows me that nothing needs to be healed. i'm so grateful for my practice, and will even sit for a while through the ughiness of my hangover.

ps beautiful pictures from europe! i love your detail shots and the portraits of your mom. you should really do a show!

the same place as me.

i think work has stolen me away more than i would like to admit. and rod, a bit, but i'm still not sure on that one....that could be it's own post tomorrow but right now i am tired and i want to concentrate on gratitude.

1. i am grateful for relaxation and how transformative it can be--playing with the girls by the pool at diana's house.

2. i am grateful for see all the latinos at the market.

3. i am grateful for amazing food and getting excited to dress up for my date.

4. i am grateful for my yellow summer dress.

5. i am grateful for the way moods can change.

i love you harper!

Where have I been?

I have been away too long! I think it's the free time, goes to my head.
I'll get back into the swing of this with a simple list of gratitudes:
My new dress that I made, myself! (with a litte help from my Mom)
My awesome new sandals that will surely help me not to look too American when in Europe
The hot pink bows they put on Allie's ears after her shearing today
free time!
friendship and grace and imperfection

belated post.

i wish i had time to write more, but a few thoughts will do:

1. everything that is happening is because it needs to happen. i'm welcoming my life with open arms.

2. attitude is everything. i am consciously observing my bad, whiny attitude at work and laughing at it.

3. summertime isn't as much fun when you aren't getting let out of school.

4. my date with rod was weird last night at the end because he got really distant and pulled away. this made me feel panicky and i don't like how it changes my attitude to know that that duck isn't in a row. geez, this love stuff, i'll tell you.

5. this will all pass pass.

Happy Father's Day

Last night I went to a wedding. After the ceremony we were filing out of the hall and ended up standing behind a man that smelled terribly. He had a boot on his foot that you'd wear as you're healing from a break with a polo shirt and khakis. I found a way to pull Jim out of line and let this man walk ahead of us. When we got to the elevator here was the man again. I got to look at him while we waited. I tried to figure out where the smell came from, how a person could get comfortable in a smell like that. And then I realized how similar in build he was to my Dad- probably the same height, same size, similar hair, same borderline casual dress. All of a sudden I realized that I am my dad's family. Some day I may be the smell censor for my dad- time to take a shower, dad. Some day I may be my father's keeper. Freaked me right out. Note: I'm pretty sure that this guy at the wedding was an alcoholic and had some other afflictions working against him, unlike my Dad. It was no less haunting.
Tonight, after dinner, my Dad was watching the Braves game in my living room and asked me if I had any experience cutting hair. I said no and asked him why he didn't go to the barber. He said that he only needs a trim on the bottom, that his hair doesn't grow as fast on top anymore. This was the reason he gave for not going to the barber- because all of his hair on his head didn't need cutting. Oh yes it does. So I cut it, though I had no idea what I was doing. Well, OK, I did try to imitate some of the things I'd seen my hairdresser do. It turned out pretty good. While I was cutting his hair, and my Dad was watching the Braves game, he kept teasing me about how long it was taking me. The guy is too much some times. I'm giving you a free haircut! His hair had gotten really scraggly in the back. How had he let it grow this long? He said that he had a home haircutter (what does that even mean?) but that it was hard to get the back. Is this how it starts or has my dad just always been this "eccentric", everything's normal. I think it's actually just a natural progression, this is my Dad getting older.
I sent him home with the rest of the french potato salad (in America's Test Kitchen, very good) that he loves and also the rest of the half-pint Diet Cokes we'd gotten just for him. That's my Dad. He's not degenerating, he's still my Dad only older and maybe more concentrated.
Gratitudes to my Dad;
"the safest place you could be is in my pocket"
A taste for wry and ridiculous humor
my broad vocabulary
new pickles and lox
morning wake up songs in elementary school
Ethel Tuveson
adding his own lines to my favorite story books
Teaching me about anger and how to express it