rod didn't call today. (isn't it funny that his name is rod?) he probably shouldn't have called, if he was trying to be at all cool about it (which we joked about last night--how neither of us had played it cool). it set me off an a reaction of "well, i dont want to get my hopes up. it's probably not anything. he's probably a creep. wait, did i make him up?"

i talked to molly and gave her this whole spiel, and she said flat out to me "why dont you want this to happen?" and it wasn't until then that i could see that a part of me wants to take a little spark of something good and stamp it out, because i'm afraid of an eventual forrest fire. but you know what, as painful as they are, a forrest fire is a healthy thing. so is green growth.

so i'm ready to leave behind the self-created drama and doubt and declare to the universe in perfect diction that i am ready for a loving, respectful, romantic relationship with a man who thinks i'm just great and i think the same about him. i deserve a relationship that makes me happy and i deserve to be loved and to love someone else for who he is.

of course i am afraid that i will get hurt or change my mind or he will cheat on me or lose interest or embarrassing secrets will come out from my past and he will realize he has gotten the wrong impression of me. etc etc etc. lots of fears. i'm afraid to try to trust and not be able to or trust and then have to put him as another entry on my long list of "intimacy failed."

all that said, i want to reiterate. i'm ready for a wonderful relationship with a man, be it rod or someone else the universe has in mine. i know there is a timing to all things and i dig that. i really do.

i am open and grateful to be at this point. i am also pretty darn happy about the community art center on monday nights, contact sheets, funny bus rides, ed's kindness, pandora, green curry, changing out of my work close, sleep so new on my eyelids.