typing topless

my bellydance instructor has been talking about snakes as a representation of our indwelling feminity, sexuality--also kundalini yoga talks about snakes i believe. adam and eve...knowledge...there is a lot there. i'm afraid of rats, what does that symbolize? hidden things, sneakiness, the underbelly. yeah, i'm afraid of all of those things, admitting that not everything is perfect.

i'm having a funny, loose night of quirky honesty that started in the car with my mom when i started talking about the way i have been feeling with molly lately. i usually have a hard time telling my mom about what i really think, especially when it leaves me vunerable, but i just really needed to talk about how i feel like i am just always following a step behind her, cleaning up her messes while she gets all the attention. which makes me examine how my identity is tied up in being organized and dependable while other people get noticed and how i resent this. there is no mistake that this is coming up right now. this is coming up because it needs to be felt and talked about and the shame needs to be taken away from feeling jealous and feeling needy and wanting something you can't have. everyone feels this way and i feel this way and it's okay. it doesn't mean i don't love molly. it means i love her enough to run the gamut with my emotions.

talkative at home and so quiet at work. it's hard for me to raise my voice and be myself right away. my elemtnary school shyness comes through and i look around to see how other people are acting. do i make too much eye contact? not enough? am i too engaged? too aloof? people always like molly right away--what would molly do? what would my mother do--am i following in her footsteps? should i be honest or fake confidence when i am so overwhelmed? my boss took me out to a fancy restaurant for lunch with his secretary and i wished i could enjoy the food more, but i was nervous. for what? i want people to like me. i want to make a good impression. i want to fit in. i want to have friends, be loved, prove that i am valuable and that i have changed. the normal human stuff. as a result i am such a perfectionist who starts to edit something before i speak. i hate it that my boss has to ask me to repeat myself so often. i'm shy and i don't want to be shy and that makes it even worse.

i wish i could speak up and show people how funny i am. but this comes with time...i know that about myself. it takes me a little time to make a friend and then they are a friend for a long time. everything always works out. i always find my niche. i always do work that is meaningful and move to the next opportunity. i always learn and change and walk away a different person and think well of it. yet the fear that i will fail...where does that come from? its so unfounded, yet such a pattern in my thinking.

awareness is key. honesty is key. write. it. all. down. pray for openness. feel it. you are never alone. there is a plan. you have exactly what you need. just pay attention. you are not flawed. you are more whole than you can imagine. hold this like you would cradle a tiny baby. it's that precious.

i am grateful for my mother's listening, going out for a fancy lunch just for the sound of it, radical self-acceptance, pandora, laura, my new office with a window and a pigeon friend visitor, working on my art project...being alive.