can i break the heart talk rules and just respond right here? actually i dont know why i am asking, because i am just going to do it anyways :)

i've struggled so much with dad issues. growing up, my dad had a really volatile temper. i remember getting yelled at for: spilling lemonade in his bed, not knowing the right highway to take to my mom's boyfriends vacation home when i was about 8,  for kissing him right before some olympic event, for stating that i was pro-choice and not wavering when he tried to debate me out of it, for being messy, for stepping on his books on tape container

i can't remember what he was yelling at me for once but i was in his kitchen crying and he started shaming me for crying...

my weekends at his house consisted of us eating too much food and going to parks and me having nightmares and climbing into bed with him. i had a really hard time sleeping when i was younger. i felt like if i closed my eyes for a second, something bad would come for me. 

i worried a lot about him too. my brother and i would get big eyes when one of us would tell the other..."do you know dad lost his house, car, teeth?" i remember how we couldn't talk about it when all of his teeth started falling out. i felt embarrassed in front of my friends and then immediately guilty.  

my dad still snaps at me more than i would like and i still react, but overall, he's a lot calmer than he used to be. this is due to his wife, who is a godsent. 

yet i still carry a lot of this around with me. it's a heavy past. as eckart tolle says, i have a heavy pain body, and the only thing that's going to lighten my load is light, as in consciousness. writing about it helps. knowing that you go through it too helps a lot. 

how do you accept pain in a culture that tells you that to admit to feeling pain is a great sin? slowly? with patience? because i really don't have a choice. because i know it's right in a way i dont understand.

rainy day and i ate too much with my family. i dont know if it was the weather or just processing from my day off or an active painbody but i felt low energy and had to work hard to stay conscious. 

now i'm off to sleep... thank you.

but first:

1. lunch with some classy ladies in my family.

2. eckart and oprah were my best friends today.

3. doing all the laundry--the house looks great.

4. sleep, sleepy acceptance.

5. right now.