a pause.

so many days without posting. to sum up: mem day in michigan with molly's family and some pcvs. lots of bbqed good food and awkward meetings and love and tanning beds and cigarettes and not enough alone time and feeling sad about my family and loving mollys family and wishing i could be more outgoing and feeling like i was there with my emotions, understanding that this was happening for a reason. the way i feel around molly was amplified because i am ready to let it go. one morning i stayed in molly's nephews wooden bed, hungover and let waves of discontent wash over me and then subside. i took away all the names for my feelings and then it just became tensions. tense tense tenser and then....release. another wave. another release. after a hour an hour i felt fine, got up and had a good day.

the opening up to emotions without giving them names or personalizing them...this is a lot of what i learned at vipassanna. it's all energy, let it come let it go, do not develop an attachment to any of it. this too shall pass.

i just had a really emotionally conversation with my mom when i talked to her about how i felt about being around the stability of molly's family and feeling angry at her for not being there, etc etc. i'm the broken record of a daughter....every conversation with my mom these days ends in tears. i'm sick of it. i'm sick of being angry with my father. i'm sick of feeling dependent on one of them for saving me or going back and making the past different.

i'm ready to make a change. i'm not sure how. i've lived so longer being angry and perfectionist and critical and covering it up with a sweet smile so that no one could blame me for anything that i don't know how to do it any differently. but i know that if i am willing then the universe will guide this ship to shore, or at least more interesting seas. i'm very curious to see who i am when i am not blaming anyone else for my unhappiness.

phew.

i could really use an artist date.

you can probably tell that i'm not sure about the guy anymore, for a few different reasons. date two didn't go as well as date one, but we have one more lined up for brunch on saturday, so we'll see. more on that later.

grateful:

fela kuti, washing the dishes and cleaning my room so thorough and quiet and aware, honesty, black bean burritos, giggling with ed about my boss, the idea of making our school greener, feeling empowered at work, patience, willingness to change, a totally warm day, yoga class, brushing my teeth with liz, writing!