handle ya business

I don't remember what sitcom that's from, but it popped into my head and fits my day perfectly. Maybe it was the Cosby Show? I just remember someone imitating some squirrely crazy person as they said it. I just got off the phone with Priscilla, who was finishing up another hour of driving through traffic (which she hates) and has yet to eat dinner. I don't have to describe how the conversation went. And I hung up and said "argh!" out loud. But why? I wasn't having a bad night. I wasn't even having a mildly irritating night. It's funny you mentioned becoming aware of the experience in front of you and just allowing/watching without having to engage. Did we both read the same Ekhart Tolle page today? Really, I just picked it up again today after having out it down for a while. I have many, many books on my bedstand right now. It's become silly. But while I was waiting for the beets to be ready, I read a few pages of Tolle's book. By the way, I am definitely planting beets again this year- they are the most beautiful things I've ever grown and then eaten. I want to get better at how I discipline my students as I understand it through Tolle's ideas. I want to be less emotionally stirred when I give my students consequences. It just seems so droid-like. Maybe it's because I can't visualize what it would look like. One day when I was about nine or ten my Dad took me to the optometrist for an appointment. I had walked home from school and he was going to come home from work to get me. He called to tell me he was on his way and that I should be ready when he pulled up. He pulled up and I couldn't find my key. We kept it in the mailbox so I could get in after school and I must have set it down somewhere but I couldn't find it by the time my Dad pulled up. Now, today I would have run out to the car and explained that I just needed to find my key and I'd be right out, but I didn't do that. I was panicked that I wasn't ready on time and so I just kept looking. My Dad burst in screaming and the part I remember clearly, the part I clearly need to let go "why don't you know where your goddamn key is are you fucking retarded?" It's so strange to see that written because it could so easily describe a total trailer trash, deadbeat Dad and my Dad was not. He did explode, from calm to furious in a snap. He would get equally mad if I drank the last of the juice and didn't rinse the pitcher (even though a neat freak he is certainly not, and I think you're picking up what I'm putting down). Holy Daddy monologue.... yes, I have issues with anger and the appropriateness of emotions. It is easy for me to light into my students like my Dad did, but I don't. I do want to be honest about my emotions though, I think it's important for kids to see how adults handle emotion. I also think kids need to be given boundaries. Boundaries and showing real emotion with kids are not strengths that I observe in the parents of my students. I know it's a huge generalization. I aslo realize that most of what I'm writing is external, my reaction to external experience- something I started this note by saying I am beginning to understand. Maybe it's better to say I'm beginning to twirl the idea around in my head. My ego. My, it's time for bed again.