I feel intimidated and I'm embarrassed to admit it. After many versions and revisions of next year's art schedule, I have been placed half time at the elementary school I've been at this year and half of the time at the middle school. It isn't that I'm scared to teach middle school kids, what scares me most is that my skills don't measure up to those of my teaching partner. Another teacher will be taking over where I spent 20% of my time this past year. She'll teach full time there. I have been glad to know I won't be at that school next year (I didn't have alot of respect for the principal and I was there so little that I have felt like a long-term sub) but if this other teacher is there she will surely make my efforts this past year look pitiful. It's hard to see in type how insecure I feel.
My chosen career, and all I believe about myself in this career, forces me to confront major self-doubt. I still feel like the biggest flake- no the biggest chicken, for backing out of Steve's photo shoot. He hasn't written back to me, which I guess is to be expected. What is he going to say? What would I want him to say? We were invited to a wedding that weekend, but what a relief when I realized my booking mistake. I don't have to go show people I respect what my actual skills are with a camera, I don't have to see people I haven't seen since high school and worry about looking cute and happy and successful, I don't have to feel guilty about being out of town for another trip this summer when I sh/could be working. The self-doubt is paralyzing and I feel embarassed for having it. So I type through tears, and beat myself up for being such a downer and all the while a quiet part of myself, way way way in the back of my mind reminds me that I'm still a dear, sweet and well-meaning little human. I still wish I were living bigger and it is becoming clear to me that my self-doubt is what is in the way. I haven't come close to working on the last assignment, I've been putting it off like meditating and eating well because I've been busy acclimating myself to the end of the year at school. The pacing this year has been the trickiest part to get used to. This is an excuse. If I don't make anything to show you then you won't figure out that I'm really not that talented, then you won't wonder to yourself how on earth I managed to get a job teaching art, but everybody knows that those who can't do teach. I tell myself that I'm afraid of what others think, but how could I really know? What I'm really afraid of is what I think others think. What I'm really, really afraid of is not measuring up to the image I hold of what is perfect