happy fun posts

I at least want to put a fun title on this post, I feel like everything I write lately is so gloomy or at least wistful. I really, really don't like the emotions I've been spending time with lately, I feel like a downer to those around me, but I'm just going to go through it and not fight it. I always bounce back.
I think I'm selfish and it makes me feel ashamed. I really hate the thoughts that distracted me from really being fully present in Buffalo. I feel so embarrassed at the thought that Priscilla might have noticed how envious I am of her new apartment in Chicago, how envious I am of all the time Kyle gets to spend with her when I only see her once in a while, how envious I was of her cute clothes and how I wished I had cute clothes too. I can't remember the last time we went shopping. It's all so fucking small of me and I hate it. I miss my friend that was just mine, but how selfish of me: OK, you're going to be my best friend and you only need to re-animate when I have time away from my life in Milwaukee with my husband. How long have I been moving forward and growing and expecting that? And my best friend has now lost her father but I'm thinking about how I can be there for her in a way that only I can?
When I graduated from college Priscilla and I flew to Europe and spent two non-stop weeks together. Then she went to CA to do AmeriCorps and I went back home to Chicago (well, Evanston...) We had talked alot about the men we'd eventually marry when we were in Europe, we actually made up stories of how we'd meet ( I said Priscilla would meet a professor-type, and now she's moving in with her pre-PhD boyfriend. I'm good) Jim and I (re)met while she was away in CA. She didn't even meet Jim until after he and I had moved in together, so she missed the shmoopy phase we undoubtedly had. She also missed the phase that I'm in now where I believe that I have some place in her life to lose and that I can still stake my claim, hold my ground. Did she even have time to feel jealous or did she figure what's the point? I just assumed that we'd still be the same best friends as always, but it was on my terms wasn't it? And Priscilla and Kyle's relationship will be on their terms, and I'll just have to be here in whatever shape being the best friend takes on from now on. I miss it being just us, I miss my best friend being just for me.