it's been a while since i've had anything with marshmallows in it, which maybe could be saying a lot. i like casseroles with crunchy stuff on top, and i think homemade mac and cheese is the ultimate comfort food.

ah mondays, what would i do without you? i feel like i'm getting the hang of working yet i dont care about it as much as i think i should. does that make me motivated or a slacker or am i just in denial about feelings i really have?

my mind is on this loop of thoughts about saturday night, which range from savoring the exciting parts to cringing over the embarassing ones. i want to let it go because i really don't like this guy, but somehow i keep going back to being critical of myself. from my college indescretions, i know that it's always been this way, and it will pass in a week or so, but i'll probably always feel nervous around him.

i wish i had a little more insight into why i feel this way. there have been times that i wonder if i dont have some kind of repressed sexual experience from my past that makes me feel so nervous and vunerable and scared about casual sex (ive only enjoyed sex when i loved and trusted the person). or maybe no one should be having causal sex. yet i used to have a bad habit of doing this and the frustrating part is that i did it again.

i know it was just making out but its what it brings up for me. my shaman friend manu was doing a healing ceremony on me one and said that he could tell that i had some funky sexual energy lurking around. it felt good to give it a name, just like it feels good write about this.

its also a testament to the boring nature of thoughts, esp self-destructive ones. its the same shit over and over again and you can't even dance to it. you can laugh though. once i take a step back i laugh at the ridiculousness of it all.

you're sweet to go to niagra and i know that priscilla needs you there more than she can say.

take pictures, sweet lady.