when i did my silent retreat in january, i walked over the frozen illinois tundra and the wind bit my face and the words kept forming themselves in my mind, singsonging from my childhood. "it's so big, you can't get over it. so wide you can't get around it. so deep you can't get under it."
there are some issues in life that are so big, so much karmically bigger than you are, that you can't just hope they'll go away. they have to announced and cried over and lived into the future where they finally, with humility, let you have occasional peace. this whole process takes a lot of honesty and steps forward and back.
i have gone through this with body image, with men, with wanting to feel beautiful, with wanting to feel funny, with wanting to have best friends, with wanting to love and accept my father (still working on this one).
i'm currently working on jealousy though. there, i said it: i'm jealous!
i'm going to celebrate being jealous right now. i'm jealous of happy people who have flowing lives. i'm jealous of molly because everyone loves her and she attracted a happy relationship so quickly. i am jealous that liz is dating someone new and i'm not. i'm jealous and afraid i'm going to be left out when my two roommates/best friends have someone new in their lives and i don't. i'm afraid this means there is something wrong with me. i'm jealous of laura for having a stable family that spoils her and a boyfriend that spoils her and has never had to deal with loneliness (or so i like to imagine). i'm jealous of amanda because her life has fallen into place and she is dating someone who spoils her.
wow, writing is so good. this whole day i was thinking i was just generally jealous, but from writing it all down i can see that i am jealous of my friends who are in happy relationships with men who dote on this. i am jealous of this because i don't feel worthy of having a relationship like this and i don't know why.
i wish i didn't want it. i wish i could be stoic enough and accepting enough and desireless enough to just wait patiently and believe in myself and the universe that i will attract what i need, when i need it. somedays i am. today i feel messier. today i look at the general trend of my mom and her relationships, of my relationships, my fathers relationships, my brothers....i'm starting to feel like i'm screwed. i feel the weight of generations upon me.
breathe. there is a tightness in my chest these days. i don't know exactly what it means. i thought it was from switching jobs, but it could be more. i'm worried about starting my new job and mad at myself for feeling worried, for putting expectation and desire on top of everything else. i'm worried that my new boss isn't going to like me as much as he thinks he does.
it's hard to write all this, and let it all fall to the floor all of my defenses, not be positive, not be sunny. it really scares me to have people see me be less than perfect. the result is that i am closing off my connection because i can't find the time to monitor everything that comes out. maybe this is why i can't talk on the phone these days....i want a delay button or a chance to rewrite out three rough drafts, a dress rehearsal, three dress rehearsals...but i want the actors to think they're doing the real thing.
phewsdsjs;ldfasldkjf;asdlkj
it's good to vent all of that. now for dinner. cream of spinach/broccoli and pupusas! love love to eat even through the messiest moments.
No comments:
Post a Comment