you don't have to if you don't want to

So many things in our lives are tenuous. I have always felt that marriage is a particularly tenuous predicament, but really all relationships are: both people have to want it. No amount of really, really wanting can overcome the other person's not. My friend wrote to me today to tell me she called a divorce attorney. Her husband has been away for a week and in that time she has discovered that a problem she thought had been solved between them has really just been hidden out of her view. I asked her how she was doing and she said, "oh, I know that this is just another fucking growth opportunity..." I told her I felt compelled to make her a bumper sticker, that that was so well put, but instead I made her a mix CD. I thought of as many songs to sing loudly as I could and put them on the Oh Good, Another Fucking Growth Opportunity album. I told Jim what I was doing and he really got into it so there may be a volume two. I am holding her in my heart this week, this one will be particularly difficult, and I wish I could do more.
I know I told you that I was asked to be on the board at church. When I was telling you about it I was feeling pretty ambivalent. I went to church yesterday. Before I went to church I drew another Sacred Spirit card: Drum. It was all about finding your own rhythm and alligning with the rhythm of the earth. The first person I saw at church told me not to forget to pick up the nametags kit in the office so I could make those nametags I volunteered to make. And Hello to you too.
I went in and sat down. Immediately after I sat the music director came in, said hello as she set her car keys on the sheet music stand and began leading us in "Let There Be Unity", her purse still on her shoulder. So many parts of that are not what I had in mind. I felt like shaking my hands in panic, this isn't in step with my rhythm! She then followed it up with "Count Your Blessings", another saccharin hymn I am now solidly against. You are not alone in your adventure-planning. You'll find the lesson of the day coincidental: Commitment. The truth is that these things I was expecting weren't fully in place when I left. The music director always comes in late. Usually I come in late-ish. The sound guy never rehearses with the musicians beforehand so the cue for the solo is almost always awkward. The minister always reads the lesson like a prepared statement. There are usually 30-45 people on Sunday. I said I didn't want to be at church where I would be getting in on the ground floor and yet here I am. And now they want me to be on the board. And I said yes, but now I don't want to. And I'm looking for a way to justify it, but as in all relationships, whether it's right or wrong, it's enough to just not want to anymore. But it makes me feel like a flake. I hate the thought that I might be a flake. During the greeting part of the service, a woman who's prayer chaplain with me made a point of coming up to me and telling me how glad she is that I'll be joining the board, that I'll be so valuable to them. I felt suffocated, it was all I could do to resist pulling my hands out of her grip. What is wrong with me? Being on the board is an honor, and I might actually be able to influence positive change. And if I don't join, who will? Will it just go on being the same, tired people?
The dog needs a walk, I haven't figured out what to do about dinner and I should really go grocery shopping tonight. Ah, distractions.
Gotta close with some gratitude, for balance:
Thank you, Gracy, for inspiring me and reminding me to just take small steps and to enjoy them.
Thank you, sun, for filling my classroom with so much light this morning that I didn't even have to turn on the lights.
Thank you, Dansko and Goldi's for my new shoes that are on their way! I'm so excited, I already plan to wear them out of the store when they arrive.
Thank you, Jim, for listening to my dreams and for resisting the urge to point out the potential pitfalls. And for apologizing when you know you did. Apologizing is big.
Thank you, Hershey's Kissables, you were just what I was looking for.