wander.

after 9 a.m. walk on saturday morning. i promised myself and the universe that i would be open to whatever came up on this harper-perscribed walk and i think i was thinking about adventure when i said that, which is such a metaphor for my life these days. i vow to stay open to new things but iw ant these things to feel good nd affirm me and come easily and stay until i dimiss them and not a second sooner. so when my pretty walk was met with a man licking his lips and telling me that i looked nice and broken glass on the kids playground and dog poop and traffic, i started to get upset. i look around for a place to sit and they are all people's front stoops, all in the sun. there is a space in between two row houses, long and straight like a house lived there and then just up and moved to alabama or chicago, leaving a field of dandelion greens behind the wire fence. in hte middle of it it a cat crouches and i think of the luxury of wandering animals and big, shadowing trees and how far away all of that seems. until i find the community church, right next to "all souls house of prayer," next to the latino men building the house, and in the back of there is a childrens mural and picnic tables in the shade. i feel too tender for this world sometimes--maybe that is waht growing up in the suburbs can do to a person. but but...i am feeling this, i am feeling a tugging loneliness and a hard time saying "no" to people and fighting feelings of jealousy. i just spoke to rosemary who told me there is a community activism group and after-school program for kids that meets here. it's only a few blocks from my house and i wouldn't have known if i t weren't for coveting their sahde. she tolde me she was going for her walk to connect with her spiritual side and i said, "that's exactly what i am doing!' the need for service is so strong in me right now but i dont know where, why, how, for what, and i feel like a silly white girl still trying to get a grip on her own issues and then thinking she can help otehr people. i'll admit it that i'm still fragile from yesterday, i'd be super human if i wasn't and the whole point right now is that I AM NOT SUPERHUMAN!!!!! i cant figure out a stronger way to say that.

quiet.

i just noticed a the quiet raining down of seed pods from the tree i dont know how to identify. soft seed pods. it's a lot of time and a little, all in one.