yes, we are....

completely worthy of all the riches of the universe.

however, we are not perfect.

i just wrote my mom an angry email after she canceled our phone date and i really wanted to talk to her. i feel immature and whiny. my stomach has been in knots and it feels like little kids are jumping for joy and pulling apart the wish bone that is my heart. i feel wracked by guilt every time i think about leaving my old job and frozen with uncertainty when i think about going to the new place. i think i have a cut inside of my belly button, but there is no good way to find out.

and what makes it harder is that i am beating myself up about not being %100 happy and sure and light-hearted and hilarious and beautiful in a time such as this. what has also bothered me is that as soon as i told both of my parents, they got stressed out about the details of leaving instead of congratulating me on getting the job that i wanted. and that made me feel like it's just my nature to be worried instead of happy. why am i not happy all the time? why couldn't i just role with the punches more? cue more self-flagellation.

i'm stressed out and throwing my hands up in the air, saying "why, why now?" and what happened to me has been a good thing with bad timing. it's definitely a growing, learning how to be more selfish, learning how to ask for what i want and need, learning how to let go of guilt. i actually called my dad back last night because i felt guilty about not taking his advice. i'm considering writing my mom back right now to apologize.

it's so hard for me to know that people aren't happy with me.

a similiar situation happened in peru that after my first year, my pc boss offered to let me switch sites after the work was not working out after a year in the first one. i thought about it A LOT (everything is so in my head these days, but why not when my heart is such a tumultuous place). i finally decided not to go, mostly because of my host family and not wanting to go through readjustment to a new town, but i still left peace corps feeling like i hadn't done the work i wanted to do.

and now the choice is being presented again. do i go with what is more comfortable and makes people i love (or at least have learned how to work next to and that have been nice to me) happy or take a risk that could end in disaster?

i'm taking the risk, oh yeah i am, but that doesn't mean it has to feel easy. ah, but even writing about it feels so much better.

i need to jump in the shower, but regarding the training, i don't know if the timing is right for me on this one. i need to be here right now and figuring out this crazy job situation. also, the money. i'm in the process of paying off my computer and my moving expenses and i dont think it would be wise for me to travel again until i do.

i am still very committed to us working with teenage girls and i believe it will happen. actually a great thing about this job is that i will be learning to write grants, which i think will be sooo helpful in any kind of project we undertake. i think you should go to the training and see if you think it would be helpful. i also dont want to rule out other options of developing a curriculum from other philosophies, mainly the garper one.

more soon...