I am not in control

I was really dreading Thursday. It is my busiest day of the week with very little time between classes to prepare: Kindergarten, then a combined class of 3rd,4th and 5th graders, then 3rd graders, 1 hour lunch/prep, then 1st graders and finally another class Kindergarten. Driving to school it dawned on me that, while the facts of Thursday are inevitable, I can change my mind about the day. My time in the car can be as helpful as my time in the shower sometimes, it really depends on the music. A little Junior Senior can really help to see things in a happier light. It's funny how I still see the idea of changing my mind as a real form of alchemy, I have seen it work so many times but I'm always surprised. "I'll show up and do my best if you can just help me to make this a great day" The kindergarteners were a little squirrely, but all my classes made great work today.
Quick aside: In the K classes today they were pretending to make stained glass, so I found some images online of stained glass and how it is made. One of the pictures was of a Mr. T stained glass panel. I put it in because it was a good example of a portrait but mostly because it made me laugh. I left it up during class, at which time the principal walked though with a family touring the school. As they left I heard the parent asking "is that Mr. T on the board?" Totally made my day.
I changed my mind about how to approach today but I still say that I am not in control. It was an act of giving up control. I like your description of living like a clenched fist, that's how I have felt most days this year. I do it even though know it is out of character for me. I work so hard to hold on to all the pieces, to maintain order all the time, to be completely in control so there are no surprises, which is exhausting but is the only way I think I can measure up. What am I measuring up to? My own idea of perfection, with bits I've borrowed from others. This morning I tried taking a deep breath and saying, it's possible that there is a better way than the one I've been trying. It worked. I found myself laughing more today.
Last weekend as I was flying into BWI the turbulence was really bad- as bad as I've ever experienced while flying alone (the other time it was this bad, my brother actually turned to me and started saying his goodbyes.) I found that distracting myself with Kimya Dawson music only worked to a limited extent and so at some point I found myself saying "I am not in charge here. There is a force larger than me at work. " I found that so immensely comforting, but I know it sounds very 12-stepy or fundamental Christian-y. I think I get why it so comforting though; my ego was finally willing to let go. Even though I am scared, I am not in charge of this huge plane hundreds of miles into the sky. I suppose I could look at my classroom as a big airliner too. There are so many dynamics of a class for which I am not in control, the best I can do is show up ready.
I made a collage today. I haven't been feeling very confident in my abilities to come up with a visual representation of a stream of consciousness. It actually made me feel quite nervous, which is what the idea of making my own work has felt like lately. During my class of 3,4, and 5s we were looking through magazines to find materials for a self portrait collage. I flipped to a page which had been cut from earlier and now blended with the image behind it in this amazing way. I pulled both of them out and glued them together, then sat it on my desk. As we cleaned up later in the day I found an isolated pair of arms folded together, which fit perfectly in my accidental collage. The trouble now is that I can't decide if it's done yet. That's been my problem with students' work too. I'll scan it, tell me what you think?
When I made my treasure map a few weeks ago I cut out words that read "Om Mitraya Namaha", which is supposed to invite friendship. I am more pleased that I could have imagined to be drawing your friendship to me again, Gracy.